Jupiter Descending: What The Blazes Went Wrong?!

Who writes this rubbish…?! 

NOT INTERSTELLAR again ?!
NOT INTERSTELLAR again ?!

“We’re always looking for the range of what we see in life. That creates a tension between us and our audience because they don’t know what to expect. It makes people excited, but it can also make for frustrated consumers” – Lana Wachowski. 

Ho hum. The unfazed Wachowskis release yet another underwhelming dirge. When a big movie’s release is delayed by several months, you just know you’re gonna get lumbered with a dud. What should have been awesome has, instead – would-u-Adam-‘n-Eve it? – turned out to to be frickin’ awful. The Wachowskis’ CV (including: The Matrix Revolutions, Speed Racer and Cloud Atlas) is increasingly – and disturbingly – beginning to sound like a casualty list. 

As the chorus of critics complaining that they have lost two hours of their lives grows ever louder and more disenchanted, let’s analyse this distorted vision of the future and try and help these movie-making siblings where they have gone – hopelessly and unavoidably – wrong. Jupiter Ascending is not so much a case of having to sit through such an insipid spectacle, but sift through such utterly risible wreckage… 

Ladies and Gentlemen: it is our unenviable duty to announce – with a hefty dollop of dread – that we have found the Pluto Nash of 2015! 

NOT JURASSIC WORLD already?: Where the blazes did this thing come from?!
NOT JURASSIC WORLD already?: Where the ‘ell did this thing come from?!

I love dogs. I’ve always-” NO! My dear Followers, NO WAY should you be subjected to this tosh. NONE of this bobbins dialogue is worth typing out here! Gawd… where ‘ave me stress balls gone?!

Amid the overriding torrent of pessimism, Jupie appears to be a “spectacular visual feast” – which seems to be the only positive statement for the critical community en masse to cling to. Yet, unbelievably, unutterably, they have uncovered countless things bad, wrong, or just monumentally misjudged to dissect from this whole sorry mess of a movie.

The lavish costumes look like a (misguided) recreation of Dune’s stately opulence; the effects are superbly-crafted, but oozing with extensive CGI – too glitzy to be anything remotely special as yawn usual.

Pointy-eared Wolfboy Tatum just doesn’t ingratiate himself to my viewing sensibilities – and heck, let’s face it, never will -while Jupiter Jones herself: Mila Kunis is… my records show that she provides one of the voices on Family Guy… 

Surviving in a miserable menial existence on Earth, Jones is informed that she will, in fact, be the next Queen of the Universe – it’s basically Cinderella In Space. There are no prizes for guessing that this couple only represent archetypes rather than portray characters; and – hey! what a suprise – there is absolutely no chemistry to be had between them… whatsoever. And to think that Natalie Portman was first choice to “play” Jupiter Jones…?! Grief, this movie could have been… even worse?!

NOT EX MACHINA: Blimey Charley! Even Automata was better than this!
NOT EXACTLY EX MACHINA: Blimey Charley! Even Automata was better than this!

I play a character called Stinger. I’ve kind of got remnants of bee, or half-bee… Unfortunately, Channing’s character was in some trouble and I stood up for him, and they removed my wings” – Sean Bean. 

So, here is the last instalment of this excruciating Post. Honestly, there is a very serious matter that needs to be addressed here, and that is, quite simply: how did Eddie Redmayne get embroiled in this? We can only assume that the poor boy was dragged kicking and screaming into this nightmare. Apparently, his very first day on set involved getting: “strung up 30ft into the air with this extraordinary brace around me, flung down these wires and sent spinning… to recreate a kind of gravitational pull…” Oh, poor Eddie… 

And alas, poor Boromir. The same applies to Mr. Bean. He’s been in the business long enough to recognise a turkey when he sees one; unfortunately, none of his comments concerning this movie made the slightest bit of sense.

Last, and by all means least: how, pray, did the Wachowskis concoct the insane drivel which constitutes “dialogue” in this movie? You mean to tell me that no fraction of the humongous budget – let’s not deny it: vast acres of dosh were squandered to produce this audio/visual travesty – could be allocated to create some memorable, quotable lines? Even if they paid me to sit through this, erm… experience, there is no way you could trust me to actually go into the cinema. Not even a bribe of cheesy nachos and caramel popcorn would coax me in…

Enough is enough! No more wretched Wachowski discussion here. There’s only so much this jaded noddle can endure…

My sympathies sally forth to all you blogging friends who had (to pay) to sit through Jupiter Ascending. Just relieved that none of my time or money was spent on this rubbish…

 

NOT PROF HAWKING: "As camp as a row of bloody tents, mate"
NOT PROF HAWKING: “As camp as a row of bloody tents, mate”

Now now, Eddie-baby!

Screaming about it won’t help. All that flinging and spinning clearly did your head in, but please, go quietly into the night… Honestly, you’ve got the Oscar Nom for Theory, dearie (though after this debacle, you’re lucky you got that at all…)

Right, that’s it: going back to watch my Guardians of the Galaxy DVD again i.e. an infinitely more pleasurable experience. 

Cheers!