Star Wars Prequel Blog-a-thon: Attack Of The Clones [Week 2]

Star Bores Episode II: Attack Of The Inanities. 

There is unrest in my brain. Several thousand cells have declared their intentions to rebel against the prospect of having to sit through this tripe a second time… 

“I have a bad feeling about this…” – Obi-Wan Kenobi.  

Greetings, my young padawan! 

Here we are again, in collaboration with boxofficebuzz, on the Star Wars prequel trilogy blog-a-thon.

Star Wars Episode II: Attack Of The Clones is an absolutely marvellous piece of work. 

Against all odds, it managed to be EVEN MORE DETESTABLE THAN THE PHANTOM MENACE. Which, unbelievably, is quite a feat. 

Unfortunately, in my time, too many trips to the cinema turned out to be lousy and ultimately wasted days out, but, without a doubt – and, by Jove, it pains me to say this – Attack Of The Clones is one of the MOST UNDERWHELMING SF MOVIES EVER.  

So we were promised far less of that annoying Gungan – so what? We were lumbered with an even greater diverse range of crud to seriously spoil our already somewhat lessened expectations…

And they made that Gungan a Senator… 

Rather than suffer through that great disturbance of a movie all over again, a few scenes were selected. What’s it like going through this material 14 years later? 

What Works (This Is Going To Be Tough):

“You must join me, Obi-Wan, and together we will destroy the Sith! …It may be difficult to secure your release…” – Count Dooku.

First, and foremost:

• Christopher Lee

If anyone could bring the required menace the Dark Side deserves, then it was the Master of Horror himself. His voice alone is tinged with “Sith Lord.” But would the character have been named “Count” if anyone other than Lee had played him…?

However, there is just one quibble that annoys me: just think of the terrifying names of some of the characters this late legend has played: Dracula! Scaramanga! Saruman! Dooku! Dooku…?! Get outta here: always sounds more like a puppet on a daytime kids TV show…

• “You wanna buy some death-sticks?”

“You don’t want to sell me death sticks.”

“Ah, I don’t want to sell you death sticks.”

“You want to go home and rethink your life.”

“I want to go home and rethink my life.”

At this point, numb with boredom, yours truly felt like having a good chortle. As it had been so long since having a good laugh, thought it best to exercise the necessary muscles, just to see if they still worked… 

• The lightsaber battle between Obi-Wan/Anakin/Yoda and Count Dooku: 

Distinctly remember the groovy lighting effects as Anakin fought Dooku alone in the darkness. When Yoda hobbles in, his saber flies into his hand and then – whoa! – see the pesky Little Big-Ears GO! Whoo-hoo! 

That got the biggest laugh in the cinema! Come to think of it – the only laugh…

• Jango Fett does his blaster twirl:

The only highlight of the Geonosis arena sequence. Nice touch… 

• Slave 1 chasing Obi-Wan through the asteroid field: 

Trying to select the outstanding scene from this Episode – believe me, it was such a struggle. This was the first that sprang back to mind. One of the very few scenes to catch my sagging interest on that fateful sole viewing, it was amazing to see Slave 1 again and get some well-deserved action. Other than spectacular visuals – what is most impressive about this sequence are the sound effects, particularly those seismic charges. Oof, Brad digs a good seismic charge.

But hey, just this once, let’s overlook that problem of having sound effects in space at all…

Stand by!

What Doesn’t Work (How Much Time Have You Got?):

“If you are suffering as much as I am, please, tell me” – Anakin Skywalker.  

Let’s deal with the main offender straight away: 

• Hayden Christensen: And you thought Jake Lloyd was bad…

The inner torment, the struggle to suppress conflicted emotions, the lure of the Dark Side calls for deep, insightful drama, tackled by a fine young actor. Shame this production could produce neither…  

• Natalie bloody Portman: (aargh! yet again!):

She turned out to be just as awful as you can imagine. This time, her “acting” (if you can call it that!) is more annoying than the script. How Padme still wants to have younglings with that whining, petulant whelp is one of modern cinema’s inexplicable quandaries…

• That chase on Coruscant: guaranteed to give me a migraine just thinking about it… 

The worst scene ever featuring Obi-Wan is when – extremely against character – he leaps through a window, somehow grabs onto a probe and gets whisked through the busy sky-lanes of city-planet Coruscant. There then follows a quite ridiculous chase for a bounty hunter (other than Jango Fett); Anathema – ha ha! sorry! – Anakin just drops out of the speeder and – through thousands of other crafts whizzing by – somehow manages to land on precisely the one (eureka!) in which the shape-shifter is in (bollocks). It binds us, it penetrates us, etc. but no use of the Force can – and should – ensure such error-free reckless daredevil antics. Suspension of disbelief, my eye…

“I hate it when he does that,” Obi-Wan complains. Funnily enough, so does Brad… 

Which brings us neatly to:

• The Obi-Wan/Anakin “friendship”: 

Constant bickering, complaining, disagreements, and so on and and so on – sorry, but what “friendship”?! Here, their incessant uneasy and turgid interaction provides anything but compelling viewing. At one point, Obi-Wan makes a remark about “falling into that nest of Gundarks.” Yeah, why couldn’t we watch that instead? Sounds infinitely more intriguing than the drivel we had to sit through… 

Whenever hearing Alec Guinness say: “And he was a good friend,” all one can do now is cringe… 

“We’ll have to try something more subtle this time…” – Jango Fett. 

• Obi-Wan’s fight with Jango Fett: Should be in the What Works column – but, hey! – isn’t…

Was really looking forward to this – a classic showdown between two of the saga’s greatest assets! In the end, however, it turned out to be flat and forgettable. This serves as a sad reminder that whatever talents Lucas had as a Director, they had well and truly dried up by this time. Also, his writing here was particularly poor, most notably in:  

• The “romance”:

Such a catastrophic failure, considering how pivotal the love between Anakin and Padme is supposed to be at this stage in the saga. Banal dialogue and atrocious acting merge to create such mediocre viewing, it’s almost painful. Add that awful WTF moment in which Anakin tries balancing on the back of some wild quadroped-thing and the psychological damage cannot be undone…

What a waste, considering how epic John Williams’ sweeping score: Across The Stars (Anakin and Padme’s Theme) turned out to be.

“Kin chasa du Jedi. No bata tu tu” – Watto.

• THIS THING!!

Whatever it is, this ugly brute symbolises the tedium of the whole Geonosis arena sequence – quite possibly the most un-Star Wars scene imaginable. Did anyone thrill to the sight of (ahem) Padme riding some giant lizard, pulling along a wheelless chariot in which her beloved is fending off insectoids with his lightsaber? Ha, thought not… 

• The Battle of Geonosis: 

This should have been awesome, but instead – addled with copious dollops of CGI – it looks shallow, too artificial – nothing more than a video game. Sure, we get to see other Jedis, but really, blink and you miss them; they show up merely to promote their own individual action figure (methinks somewhat cynically). Considering the substantial budget, the field of marauding battle-droids and sci-fi war machines look decidedly amateurish and anything but exciting. 

Last, and by all means least…

• The script: Let’s get this out of the way… 

It is appalling how this damning fault from the first Episode was never rectified and allowed to grind on, ruining this second instalment as well. The “story,” perhaps easier to follow than its predecessor, still fails to engage. It’s not helped in any way by the stream of incomprehensible events that litter the screen.

Where was Lawrence Kasdan when we needed him?! 

*

We will stagger regardless to the third and – thankfully – final episode in this shoddy trilogy in the next Post (“He doesn’t seem to take a hint this guy!”). 

Hopefully, my life, limbs – and sanity – will still be intact once this challenge is done. 

May The Force Make It All Go Away…

Star Wars Prequel Blog-a-thon: The Phantom Menace [Week 1]

Star Bores I: A Spent Force… 

“I’m sure this one will do fine…” – George Lucas.  

Always gratifying to expunge one’s demons, so they say. So it is with the wretched Star Wars prequel trilogy. 

As part of a blog-a-thon devised by Ashley over at boxofficebuzz, these much-maligned prequels have come under scrutiny, and she gladly accepted my participation.

Back in 1999, the hype for a BRAND NEW STAR WARS MOVIE(!) was phenomenal. George Lucas was ready to come out of his directorial hiatus and tell us how Anakin Skywalker – the Jedi apprentice of Obi-Wan Kenobi was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force and became Darth Vader. So, what did Brad make of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace? 

Let’s just say it was a trip to the cinema he will NEVER forget…

This Post follows boxofficebuzz’s What works/What doesn’t work format, although – let’s face it – the latter is going to be a significantly longer section…

“I was apprenticed to the most powerful being in the galaxy once. I was destined to become… so much more” – Darth Maul.

What works:

• Darth Maul: by far the standout element of Episode I. 

As a fan of aliens/villains in hooded cloaks, it’s difficult not to be mesmerised by the spectacular choreography of Ray Park. The extraordinary makeup is both devilish and distinctive. And hell, he’s everyone’s fave Dathomirian Zabrak ‘cos of his supercool dual-bladed sabrestaff. Strangely enough, this Sith apprentice was the very first aspect of preview images to catch my attention. Remember thinking at the time: we’re in for one helluva good cinema trip…

Rather than inevitably load up that lightsaber duel scene itself – still amazing after 17 years – this featurette is worth a look: 

• The Pod Race

Admittedly, this was fun the first time we watched, and the only sequence not including Darth Maul worth extra viewing. Sebulba is a particularly dastardly figure, and the ensuing carnage makes for compelling viewing. Obsessed with Tatooine’s Tusken Raiders, watching them twenty years later taking pot-shots at the pods was a joy. But please, leave out the two-headed commentator (speaking English?!)

• John Williams triumphs with the music score. As always. 

Undoubtedly the most outstanding track here is Duel of the Fates. Could you imagine the lightsaber battle without it? 

“How does it feel to see my designs out in the world? All you can do is sit back and watch in amazement” – Iain McCaig.

• The conceptual designs of Iain McCaig:

One of my favourite SF/fantasy artists is Iain McCaig. It was a really exciting day when news broke that he was working on Star Wars: Episode I. He was the artist solely responsible for creating the terrifying look of Darth Maul, and designing the outlandish costumes worn by Queen Amidala. 

Although some of his concepts – such as the most reviled alien in the universe – did not make the transition to the big screen so well, his exceptional artistic contribution should be honoured as one of the prequel trilogy’s scant saving graces.

•  The J-type 327 Nubian Royal Starship:

Super-sleek, covered in chromium, this vessel carries more class and sophistication than any of the dialogue or acting. Such a wonderful design, it does not belong in such a below-average blockbuster. 

“Phantom Menace is, ultimately, so extraordinarily objectionable… Nothing has the right to bore and disappoint us this much” – Peter Bradshaw. 

What doesn’t work (where do we begin?!):

At the beginning, of course…

• The beginning: is so lame and monotonous. 

“Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic. The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.” 

Really? Who gives a monkeys? Suddenly, John Williams’ oh-so-familiar perpetually-stirring theme tune feels incongruous when set to this mind-numbing scrawl. Honestly, this is the intro to a NINE-PART SAGA, and that is the best you can come up with, George?! Remember the opening scene of Episode IV? Yeah! NOW THAT is how you begin a blockbuster! 

• The taxation of trade routes:

How was this needless attention to economics and politics supposed to engage with the infant cinema-goers?

• The script: NONE OF THIS RUBBISH MAKES ANY SENSE.

More than the original trilogy, the inanity of the dialogue is called into question; you can’t call any of these figures “characters” because they are never fleshed out/explained. There is no reason/motivation for these figures to stick together, just as there is no reason/motivation for them to travel from one side of the set/planet to the other and – most of all – there is zero character development, so nobody comes out alive (literally).

• The CGbloomin’I 

Those aliens aren’t real; that droid army certainly isn’t real; fx over here – fx over there – fx every-frickin’-where. And it’s all so tediously obvious. Thus, the screen is beset with absolutely no sense of wonder. And the magic – that endeared the original trilogy to millions – is depressingly absent.  Look, George, it would have been a whole lot easier melting my retinas staring at a video game for 133 minutes instead…

And while we’re on the subject:

• That droid army: What a bunch of fragile, useless, near-sighted scrap piles!

It’s far too easy to destroy them. The old phrase: “Could knock them down with a feather” could not be more apt. Nothing to fear then, especially during:

• The Battle of Naboo:

As a fan of SF battlefields, this should have rocked. Instead, the droids – and their battle-tanks – are assembling on the opposite hill – so what? Everybody has seen how ineffective they are – therefore there is no tension, no trepidation for the battle to come; as for the Gungans, by this point, everyone in the cinema is rooting against them, so it’s such a wasted opportunity. Again, more worthless CGI to sit – and yawn – through. Speaking of yawning…

• Natalie Portman: seems to be a byword for lousy acting.

Cringing in my cinema seat thinking with dread: Shit! We haven’t got to put up with her in the next two episodes, have we…?

• Qui Gon Jinn:

Apart from sounding like he was named afer a bottle of Korean alcohol, WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?! The original trilogy was quite specific: Yoda trained Obi Wan. So to learn that this “Qui Gon” fella was not only training the young Obi Wan, but ready to train Anakin as well, annoyed me immensely – ’twas an affront to my supposed status as All-Knowing Star Wars Honcho. Without any character development whatsoever, there is absolutely no audience reaction to his death.

So long, Qui Gon – didn’t know/care much for ya anyway. 

Liam Neeson obviously signed up under the impression that he was going to be part of something special… as did: 

• Celia Imrie: What was she doing?!

She’s one of the finest TV actors in the UK, so upon discovering she was to join the Ep I cast, it seemed perfectly logical that she would be playing Anakin’s mum, thus providing the right gravitas and emotional intensity required – but no. Bloody typical: overwhelmed to be involved with Star Wars she wrangled her way to big screen mediocrity by appearing instead as one of the fighter pilots. Honestly, her gain was everybody’s loss…

• Ewan McGregor: He does NOT save this movie, despite so many protestations to the contrary.

He just sleepwalks and drones his way through, only “coming to life” during that confrontation with Darth Maul. And cut that lame pony-tail off! Bad, padawan, bad! And hey! He’s responsible for the oh-not-so-cool: 

• Death of Darth Maul:

Why kill off the coolest asset of the trilogy in the first Episode?! Maul’s duel with Qui Gon on Tatooine ended with the latter jumping onto that sleek chromium ship. It would have been really clever to end the Obi-Wan/Maul saber-scrap in a similar fashion, with the Sith somersaulting onto an escape ship, leaving the Jedi to watch helplessly as it blasts high into the sky, knowing that this Sith must be hunted down in the next episode... But then again, no one listens to a word Brad says… hello? 

Last, and by all means least:

• THAT ALIEN WE ALL ABHOR!

Don’t need to mention the lanky, goofy one by name – everyone knows who it is, and enough antipathy has been hurled in his direction since 1999. There is just one more thing to add here: was this figure deliberately intended to look, sound, move and act as derisory as he did? If so, WHY?!

Having blotted out this confusing but colourful mess of a movie from my mind, it was hoped that this would be a mere unforseen one-off misstep, and George would get his mojo back in order to deliver a darker, more dramatic, Episode II.

Besides, the signs were favourable: we were promised less of the lanky, goofy one; the legend that was Christopher Lee was rumoured to appear(!) and the return of Boba Fett looked more likely than ever. 

Really, how could it possibly go wrong?

They couldn’t fuck it up a second time!

…Could they?

Rey Of Light: Who’s That Girl?

The Scribe Scrutinizes The Scavenger

“People are getting tattoos! Of my face! Already! It seems insane to me” – Daisy Ridley.

“…The movie has a major problem in this central character. [Daisy] Ridley can barely act at all.” 

Eh? Come again?

“Her facial expressions are limited and repetitive, her interactions with her fellow stars unconvincing, her physical repertoire – running, fighting, shooting – awkward…”

So writes the obviously disgruntled film critic for the London Evening Standard who – like just about everybody else – awarded it four stars. Everybody knew that Star Wars: The Force Awakens was going to obliterate box office records around the world; some fans fretted over whether it would fail to satisfy their expectations; but hardly anyone – after this weekend – is none the wiser as to who Rey, the staff-wielding scavenger, really is.  

Finding out about Daisy Ridley is easy.

This 23-year-old Londoner – whose previous appearances include just bit parts in UK TV dramas such as Mr. Selfridge and Casualty – may have seemed like an ordinary bookworm and “Speed Garage enthusiast” up until last week, but now, of course, she has suddenly become one of the most famous women in the world. Also, she swears like a Stormtrooper, which makes her a natural successor to Carrie Fisher. 

By the way, major plot points will be included; but seeing how the latest widespread box office records indicate that everyone in the US, UK and the Outer Rim Territories have seen the movie, there is no longer any need to worry about dropping spoilers.

As my review pointed out, The Force Awakens is an undeniably exciting spectacle, and yet – as the days go by – key plot points and a rising pile of questions just baffle me even more, making me reconsider whether it is an episode to embrace wholeheartedly.    

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do: who is Rey?

“Well, Rey starts alone – and I did not mean ‘Solo’ when I said ‘solitary’,” she laughs.

“I said: ‘Don’t go through the crew like wildfire.’ I also told her not to take any advice from me” – Carrie Fisher.  

“You start thinking: give her time, she’ll loosen up, it’ll get better. It never does.” 

Grief, this fella’s starting to annoy me…

“And she’s the heroine, the very heart of the film. So that doesn’t work.”

Yes, it does, dullard! Just take a look at all the other reviews: Ridley has instantly won over critics and fans alike. From the first few (captivating) moments we saw Rey, she was intriguing – we wanted to know her story, especially as her surname has been deliberately withheld. 

“People naturally assume that I am Han and Leia’s daughter,” Ridley has remarked, which – the more you read it – seems to imply that it is a misleading assumption… 

In the movie, SF’s most famous couple fret over their son, now ensconced in the First Order; tellingly, neither of them acknowledge Rey in any way to suggest that she is their child as well. Instead, should we be looking to the other Skywalker to discover her parentage?

As the film progresses, it is quite evident that there is more to this mere “scavenger” than meets the eye… Her skills are apparently limitless: just for starters she can climb (and rappel); not only can she pilot a ship, she can fix it as well! The most obvious giveaway that she is Han’s daughter is that she’s good with a blaster, but – hang on – on the other hand, she defeats Kylo Ren in a lightsaber duel and plays a faultless Jedi mind-trick on poor, unsuspecting Stormtrooper TK007 😉 which would suggest that she’s Luke’s girl…

“The Force, it’s calling to you. Just let it in” – Maz Kanata.

Look at one of the movie’s best moments: Kylo Ren tries to summon Luke’s lightsaber – incidentally, how on Earth Takodana did such a revered artefact come into Maz Kanata’s possession? – but it whisks straight past him and into the hands of Rey. As the script notes reveal, Anakin/Luke’s lightsaber: “calls out to [Rey] wanting her to become its new master.” 

Moreover, that beloved overweight glob of grease: R2-D2 only powers up once Rey arrives at the Resistance base…

Expect Luke’s monologue from the second trailer (unused in the film, did you notice?) – most likely spoken to Rey – to form a vital crux of Episode VIII’s dialogue…

Ridley’s resistance to the media mind-probe these past few weeks has been particularly strong. She just emits that huge, full-beam, brilliant-white grin: “Is she an orphan? Who’s to say?” 

[cue coquettish wink]

“[Rey] is an ordinary girl, in extraordinary circumstances” – J. J. Abrams. 

“This was the first day! And I honestly wanted to die. I thought I was gonna cry, I couldn’t breathe.”  

Why?! What happened?

“JJ probably doesn’t remember telling me that my performance was wooden,” Ridley explains. “And there was so many crew there… It was so hot… It was… awful.”

No worries: overall, she did a great job: “My experience has been incredible. I’ve felt supported and respected the whole way through.”

Seeing how it took only seven months and five auditions to win the role of the newest New Hope, it’s only fair that Daisy should get the final say:

“First and foremost for me, I want people to enjoy the film and think that I did a good job…”

Absolutely: “you have that power too.” 

“Beyond that, I don’t know… When I actually first heard about the job, it was months before I auditioned. And I got a funny feeling in my body.”

Ha, pun intended?

“It felt like the whole time – even though I thought I was doing a shit job in the auditions – there was something pushing me on, telling me this was going to happen. So it kinda feels like the wheels continue to turn.”  

• The first spinoff: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, currently in production, is set to hit theaters on 16 December, 2016;
• Rian Johnson’s Star Wars: Episode VIII is slated for release on 26 May, 2017;
• Star Wars Anthology: Han Solo Movie arrives on 25 May, 2018;
• Star Wars: Episode IX opens sometime in 2019;
• Lucasfilm is also developing a Third Star Wars Spin-Off Movie, which is presumably set for release in 2020.

“Classified? Me too…” – Rey ___??

“A Naked American Man Stole My Balloons…”

Possibly The Most Entertaining Horror Film Ever Made… 

“I will not be threatened by a walking meatloaf!” – David Kessler. 

For me, there is no horror movie more shocking, more deliriously funny, more exhilarating than An American Werewolf In London. 

Having gained considerable success with the riotous comedy: Animal House (1978), John Landis unleashed “a different kind of animal” in 1981. People went into Landis’ next feature expecting something just as hilarious. Many walked out, clearly not prepared for the gory and grisly drama that would unfold.

The UK TV premiere came (very late at night, of course) in 1984. It was shown not long after we had bought our very first VCR. After much pleading, my father agreed to stay up and tape it for me. The morning after, watching it avidly, a strange, spine-tingling sensation soon gripped me and held my attention throughout all 97 minutes of it.

One thing for sure: there would be many repeat viewings.

“I mean, look around. Isn’t this a fun place?”

The film’s opening shot features the Yorkshire moors at dawn. Over a montage of such serene vistas, the first of three versions of Blue Moon (by Bobby Vinton) is played. Actually, in his original script, Landis wanted Moonshadow by Cat Stevens, but Yusuf Islam wouldn’t budge. 

After hitching a ride in the back of a farmer’s truck, backpackers: David Kessler (David Naughton) and Jack Goodman (Griffin Dunne) arrive at East Proctor, supposedly in Yorkshire, Northern England, but the location photography was done in Powys, Wales. Especially love the gentle piano score by Elmer Bernstein as they find a traditional little pub called: The Slaughtered Lamb. These exterior shots were taken outside a private house in Crickadarn, a village in Powys. 

“Those sheep shit on my pack…” 

“‘Ere, Gladys! Tom! Did you hear the one about the crashing plane?”  

The “nice-looking group” inside the warm and cosy Slaughtered Lamb just happens to include some of the most recognisable character actors in the British film industry at that time.

That’s Brian Glover (the warden from Alien 3), the chess player telling that Alamo joke; his opponent is Rick Mayall, a well-loved TV comedy actor; David Schofield (a scheming senator in Gladiator), a disturbed darts player; and there’s even Pat Roach (who challenged Indiana Jones to a bare-knuckle fight in Raiders of the Lost Ark that very same year). These interior shots were filmed inside The Black Swan, at Martyr’s Green, in Surrey. 

“Excuse me, but what’s that star on the wall for?” 

“You made me miss! I’ve never missed that board before…” 

This is certainly going to go down as the highlight of David Schofield’s career. No action, no gore: just a genuinely chilling moment. Still gets me three decades later. 

Taking drastic leave from The Slaughtered Lamb, after Jack dropped that bombshell, it’s back to the moors they (inexplicably) go.

As they trudge away, the heavens open. Love the way they’re bawling Italian opera without a care in the world…

“Then murder it is! It’s in God’s hands now…”

“Ah shit! What is it?!” 

Feel the tension as we cut back to The Slaughtered Lamb and the frightened expressions on the locals’ faces as the distant cry of the werewolf is clearly audible.

“You hear that?” “I heard nothing!”

Of course, the two boys have to stop in the middle of the cold, dark and wet moorland to reassure themselves that there are no coyotes in England… 

With every viewing, the gradual loudness of the wolf’s howls is unsettling – fantastic sound effects and a skilful upsurge in suspense as the boys have nowhere to run.

And then! The howl comes (from offscreen) directly in front of them! In their panic, David slips, Jack leans in to help, and suddenly, the beast attacks. Jack is mauled to death; the wolf is shot down by the villagers – who arrived a minute too late. Before passing out, David turns to look at the beast, only to find a dead man lying beside him…

“Maybe that pentangle was for something supernatural…”

“Mr. Kessler, try not to excite yourself!”

Here you go: yet another reason why An American Werewolf In London is well-cherished – especially among my generation.

Confused and disorientated in a London hospital, David receives a visit by a Mr. Collins from the American Embassy. As soon as you hear the voice you realise: yes! That’s Bert from Sesame Street! Miss Piggy (who actually has a cameo during a dream sequence – how freaky is that?) and of course: Yoda from the Star Wars saga. 

Up until then, Frank Oz had been an anonymous, yet amazing, puppeteer and voice artist, but to see him here:

one couldn’t help but get excited!

“These dumbass kids, they never appreciate anything you do for ’em…” 

“I’ll send someone in to keep you company…” 

Holy shit! 

Just as you are convinced that this is five-star fare, Landis (and Baker) crank it up to an even more awesome level. Having suffered a few dream sequences already, David drifts off into his most terrifying yet: at home, his siblings are watching The Muppet Show; there’s frantic knocking at the door… 

Get this: a band of Nazi ghouls wielding sub-machine guns shoot up and burn down his home, slaughter his family (even kicking Kermit – the fiends!) then kill him. Will never forget how exhilarating it was watching this scene for the first time all those years ago; reckon the tape was rewound twice to savour each delicious, unbelievable frame! 

At such a young age, this was by far the most mind-blowing sight these wide, disbelieving eyes had ever seen! It remains one of my all-time goosebump moments. As this sequence was sooo cool, it gets two pics. 

And – hey! – we haven’t even got to David’s transformation yet…

“That’s Punch and Judy – they’ve always been violent.”

“Can I have a piece of toast?”  

With every viewing, the first view of the undead Goodman boy never fails to astound. The make-up applied to Griffin Dunne here by Rick Baker is sensational, but would this scene be outstanding if it did not begin with that absurd line?

This is a pivotal intervention as Jack explains how he died “an unnatural death and now walk the Earth in limbo until the werewolf curse is lifted.” 

“Shut up!”

“The wolf’s bloodline must be severed; the last remaining werewolf must be destroyed… It’s you, David!” 

This is my kinda drama!

It’s kinda creepy how Jack just carries on as he did before, talking about that girl he fancied, only this time complaining about the insipid company of the undead.

“You ever talked to a corpse? It’s boring!” 

“I didn’t mean to call you a meatloaf, Jack.” 

Amazing how Nurse Price takes David back to her place – which just happens to be:

64 Coleherne Road, 

South Kensington, 

Greater London. 

– where he receives even better treatment. You simply can’t get that kind of care on the NHS nowadays…

Actually, Dad pressed Pause when the shower scene came on. He let me sit through the gore, but Van Morrison was strictly off-limits… 

Another visit from Jack – he is decomposing rapidly; after taking a quick butcher’s at the nurse’s pad, he sits down to repeat much of what he said earlier, although more desperately this time.

This is where my deep admiration for Creedence Clearwater Revival came from. In that far-off pre-internet era it took years to find out who did that killer song: Bad Moon Rising.

“I’m still not hungry…” 

At last, the full moon; David burns up.

Naughton admitted later that the transformation scene took a whole week to accomplish, with approximately ten hours a day applying make-up, five hours on set, and three hours just to remove it! The Academy honoured Rick Baker’s stupendous contribution to this film, with the inaugural Award for Best Make-up.  

In any other werewolf movie, an ominous (and ultimately forgettable) score would have heralded the coming of the lycanthrope, but here, it’s the highly unexpected choice of Sam Cooke’s Blue Moon. This arrangement is not supposed to work, but somehow, surreally, it does. 

Could not proceed without putting up this scene. In addition to gasping at the ingenuity of the effects, listen to those bloodcurdling sound effects, enhancing what turns out to be a credible and undeniably excruciating transformation. 

Modern CGI be damned… 

Especially dig the nice touch at 2:04, just to remind you that –yes – this dramatic scene takes place in somebody else’s living room…

“I can assure you I don’t find this the least bit amusing… I shall report this!”  

The first victims: the unfortunate couple – Harry and Judith – arrive at Sean’s place:

The Pryors

East Heath Road, 

Hampstead. 

Then there are the three tramps; Tower Bridge is clearly visible in the background.

The sixth and final murder: Gerald Bringsley in the London Underground holds a particular personal fascination. A regular user of the “Tube” whenever in the capital, it’s always a great thrill to follow the same route through Tottenham Court Road station where a horror legend was made. To see for yourself, take the Northbound Northern Line service (not the Central Line), disembark at Tottenham Court Road and make sure to take the middle Exit. 

Amusing how Gerald could buy chocolate from a confectionary machine on the platform – another privilege denied to us now.

“Oh, Good Lord!”

“I’m genuinely pleased to see you…” 

David wakes up naked in London Zoo. 

How he manages to get back to Alex’s flat involves a string of hilarious set-pieces, including my all-time favourite line from any horror movie – why not make it the title of this Post?

When Alex tries to bring David back to the hospital, they hail a taxi (on Wilton Crescent, Belgravia).And yes, the driver is played by none other than Alan Ford (best-known as Brick Top from Snatch).

There then follows a very bizarre scene: Jack beckons David over to a porn cinema in Piccadilly to meet his victims. Fresh and still blood-spattered, they each offer ways on how David can take his own life, thus breaking them from the curse.

Jack – in another finely-detailed make-up job – is now a gruesome cadaver, but still keen to help.

“Do you mind? The man’s a friend of mine!” 

“There’s been a disturbance in Piccadilly…”

The climax involves the chaos as David runs amok once more. The above behind-the-scenes pic could not be resisted. To perfect the sequence in which the police inspector gets his head bitten off, Rick Baker literally had to operate one of his model wolf heads himself.

The director’s cameo is very difficult to spot. Landis is the bearded man who is hit by a car and thrown through a plate glass window.

The end comes far too hurriedly. Always bewildering how Alex doesn’t get shot accidentally; there’s plenty of police marksmen in that dark alley, and she’s standing just yards in front of them…

“What do you mean: how did he look? I’m an orderly, not a bleeding psychiatrist; I push things around!”

Over thirty years later, An American Werewolf In London remains a unique and original feat of film-making – still scary and spellbinding, but has never failed to enthrall… and split my sides. 

The  current crop of horror directors – who consistently fail to create anything half as clever and creepy as this – should be forced to study the ways in which this masterpiece came to be, and succeeded on so many levels. 

How best to describe it?

Is it a zany outing with truly horrific moments:

…or a horror movie with the most unexpected comedic moments?

“Hello David!”

Final Thought: To think that studio execs wanted Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi to play the two leads.

The Blues Brothers: as backpackers?! Come off it… 

A naked Aykroyd scampering around London Zoo?! That would have been truly horrific… 

Happy Halloween!

Beware the moon… and stick to the road… 

Luke And Brad: The Two Dreamers Who Had To Unlearn What They Have Learned.

Kylo Ren Is NOT Luke Skywalker. Luke Skywalker Is NOT Kylo Ren.

“Luke’s just not a farmer, Owen. He has too much of his father in him” – Aunt Beru.  

When Luke Skywalker trudged wearily out of his uncle’s igloo in the desert and gazed longingly at the binary sunset, a new icon of SF cinema was made. Moreover, seeing the blond mop and the snazzy pyjamas, it was like seeing my reflection on the big screen; this hero was certainly someone to relate to, and root for.

No matter what that scruffy-lookin’ nerfherder boasted about blasters, me and Luke gobbled up everything we could find about hokey religions and ancient weapons. And yes, many times this lil cake-guzzling perisher stared at the sunset, dreaming about escaping to better far-off places…

Now, while the mass frenzy surrounds the Return of Han Solo, my concerns automatically lie with Luke. With a more substantial teaser trailer for Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens hitting the internet big time earlier this week, how did Mark Hamill feel about returning to his legendary role after all this time? 

“You know, the security is just crazy,” he remarked incredulously. “When we made the original films, you had the odd reporter hanging around the studio, bribing people to give them stories. Now, do I really have to wear this robe and this hood… to go from the trailer to the soundstage?

“They said: “Yeah, there’s drones.” Seriously! There’s drones flying over the studio trying to get pictures of whatever they can.” 

“Told you, I did. Reckless is he!” – Yoda. 

A long time ago in a school playground far far away – perhaps because of his gleaming blond hair – Brad would always be chosen to play Luke. Even the other kids could feel the bond between us both. So, blasting stormtroopers? Learning the ways of the force? Taking on the Empire all by meself?! 

Nah…

Half a dozen boys would argue – or fight – over who would play Han Solo, so we never got anywhere. Honestly, the Death Star would have cleared the planet and blown us into smithereens before we knew who was who. A fine Rebel “Alliance” we turned out to be: sheesh!

Both of us had fathers who were legends in their own right.

Luke was led to believe that his father was “a navigator on a spice freighter.”

My father certainly was a mechanic on several planes in the RAF.

“He was the best star pilot in the galaxy.”  

You bet! Still proudly keep his flight gear hanging up in my wardrobe back at my UK base.

“And he was a good friend.”  

Sure was. Took me to watch the original trilogy at the cinema; we often quoted the best lines to each other before he could speak no more… 

Now, me an’ Luke have come so far – fatherless and fearless – and through so much. Most people haven’t got the fuggiest idea what’s happened to Luke in the thirty years since the Battle of Endor; most people couldn’t give a fugg what’s happened to me in the thirty years since reading comics during school hours.

Sure, Luke ended up far far away from Tatooine; this blogger ended up far far away from Taunton.

The Force may have been strong with us once, but our fortunes since leave a lot to be desired. After not hearing anything from him for some considerable time, naturally the anxiety became almost unbearable.    

So it was an absolute joy for me – after all these years – to hear Luke narrating the second trailer, but just before the anticipation grew, rumours spread that he will hardly figure in Episode VII. Suspicions were confirmed last week, when the official movie poster was released. Obviously, his absence from this publicity was the first point everyone noticed.

“I have a very bad feeling about this…”

“It was certainly unexpected… I thought if they did a third trilogy, we wouldn’t be involved. It is really about the new generation of characters. We are just there to lend our support and grow contractually obligated beards” – Mark Hamill. 

Now, what of these rumours swirling around the internet about Luke having turned to the Dark Side – that Luke and this new villain: Kylo Ren are one and the same? 

Well, no. Absolutely not. 

For a start, we have seen the pic of Adam Driver, sans mask, from the Vanity Fair spread a few months back. Luke had constructed his own lightsabre by Episode VI – even impressing his old man with it. So he would not have produced something as crude as Ren’s jagged crossguard sabre.

During the making of Return of the Jedi, Mark Hamill pitched the possibility of Luke turning to the Dark Side. The idea was swiftly shot down by George [Lucas]. Again, in 2005, on a TV talk show called: Dinner For Five – with J.J. Abrams as one of the other guests! – Hamill discussed the idea once more:

“As an actor, that would be more fun to play. I just thought that’s the way it was going… the pivotal moment. I’ll have to come back, but I’ll have Han Solo in my crosshairs and I’ll be about to kill him or about to kill the princess…” 

Now that would cause a great disturbance…

Whatever his screen-time in Episode VII, Luke should feature strongly, even driving the plot. And his (father’s) lightsabre would appear to constitute an important element of these proceedings. Essentially, the premise here might be: The Search For Luke Skywalker, implying a self-imposed exile of some kind. Whatever fate has befallen Luke, it is likely that this Kylo Ren is directly responsible. 

No matter what lousy opportunities have tripped me up in recent years is nothing compared to what my ol’ buddy Luke seems to have suffered. We’ve only got another eight weeks until we can all find out what happened to the farmboy who destroyed a Death Star.

What will Luke have in store for us come 18 December? Will Brad publish a positive review?

One thing you cannot underestimate about him and me:

You’ll find that we’re full of surprises… 

“Luke Skywalker… Now, that’s a name I’ve not heard in a long time. A long time…” 

Where We’re Going, They Don’t Have Flying Cars, Doc!

Well, Bless My Flux Capacitor! It’s October 21 2015 Already – Welcome To The Future, Marty!

“Wait a minute, Doc, what are you talking about? What happens to us in the future? Will we become assholes or something?” – Marty McFly.

Great Scott!

October 21? 2015?! “You mean we’re in the future?!” 

At last, Marty McFly, who is the “only kid ever to get into trouble before he is born,” has arrived today on this date – to sort out his kids. 

Back To The Future, released 30 years ago, is a fine sci-fi adventure, held together by Marty McFly and Doc Brown’s great buddy-repartee – once you get past the heavy premise of his Mum falling in love with him and not George McFly,

Back To The Future II, on the other hand, is a sequel that failed to impress me back then. After finding 2015 too heavy to handle, Marty must travel back to 1955 again to prevent the chaos of an alternate 1985… without interfering with his first trip. So, it’s needlessly complicated, and too heavy to sit through…

Even in November 1989, when Back To The Future II was released, there was no way to predict what 2015 would bring. So it really doesn’t come as any surprise what the visual futurists managed to come up with. Rather than pine for the lack of hoverboards – which thousands of other bloggers will be doing today anyway – let’s take a look and see what the ’80s perception of 2015 brought us.

“The encounter could create a time paradox, the results of which could cause a chain reaction that would unravel the very fabric of the space time continuum, and destroy the entire universe…!” – Dr. Emmett Brown.  

When 1985 McFly wanders bewildered around 2015 Hill Valley one of the more intriguing revelations is Jaws 19 (directed by Max Spielberg, Stephen’s son, born in 1985) at the Holomax. Holographic movies may be imminent, according to the latest science sources, but there is greater sophistication of 3-D technology in movie-making now than ever before.

People dispose of their garbage on the back seat and still – incredibly – along the dashboard, but not in a Mr. Fusion energy converter. Doc’s rejuvenation clinic is not far off from all the botox injections and chemical gubbins that proliferate nowadays. You do realise, of course, that plot device was put in so that Christopher Lloyd could complete Parts II and III without spending so much time and angst in the make-up chair…

Yes, nostalgia for the 80s is quite prevalent now, so having the Cafe 80s in Hill Valley is spot on; and – get this – Charles Gherardi plays “Ayatollah Khomeini Video Waiter.” Swell. 

Actually, there was one horrendous moment which thirty years cannot erase from my memory. The doorbell rings. Marlene McFly comes stomping down the stairs and we see that “she” is played by… Michael J. Fox! Holy flux!!

That’s heavy enough for anyone to choke on their hydrated pizza… 

“Now look, just take it easy and you’ll be fine, and be careful in the future” – Officer Reese.

Before you criticize the ridiculous get-up of Biff Tannen and his gang, this blogger can actually report – quite sobre, but with dread – to have seen any number of morons dressed like this… and in several countries too. 

The wall of multiple channels on a large widescreen TV and video-conferencing (Skype!) look eerily familiar, and it’s amazing to see how preoccupied Marty Jr is with his hi-tech specs. No handheld phone gadgetry, although in one scene, one character campaigning to restore Hill Valley’s clock tower seems to be holding a tablet. But making a call on an AT&T payphone? In 2015?! Ha! Remarkably, the worldwide web only made its debut in the same year as the release of Back To The Future II! 

Interestingly enough, among Part II’s DVD extras, the Director: Robert Zemeckis tells how he did not want the sequel to take place in the future as any movie set at a future date always ends up “mis-predicted.” No doubt, he had envisaged hordes of bloggers on this very day nitpicking all the stuff that Part II got wrong… 

Personally, the original Back To The Future works perfectly well as a standalone film. It didn’t need a sequel; the final scene – setting the premise for one – works perfectly well as a joke. These, funnily enough, were also the exact opinions of Robert Zemeckis. 

As the Doc said: “Your future is whatever you make it, so make the best of it.” 

The future starts right here: 

And that’s 1 Challenge down – 4 to go. 😉

Synchronize your watches! The future’s coming back…

Yeah, today also marks another Anniversary – it’s two years(!) since the very first Bradscribe Post wandered tentatively out into the big wide blogosphere. 

To find out how it all began, you can view it here: 

A BIG THANK YOU to Followers old and new for ALL your support along the way, and hey, here’s to even bigger and better awesomeness in the – ahem – future.

Cheers!

“In Your Face, Neil Armstrong!”: The Martian: A Review.

Help Is Only 140 Million Miles Away…

THE LONE RANGER: “I wonder how the Cubs are doing?”

“Log Entry: Sol 6. I’m pretty much fucked – that’s my considered opinion. Fucked” – Mark Watney. 

There are three important facts you need to know about Ridley Scott’s latest sci-fi opus, based on the best-selling novel by Andy Weir.

The Martian offers a rollickingly good yarn on how to survive on our nearest neighbour in the solar system; also, the curse of woefully-underwhelming movies set on Mars as featured in a previous Post has – for the time being at any rate – been expunged; and thirdly – and perhaps most vital of all – this blogger would NOT be watching the movie alone! In a last-minute dramatic twist, Mrs. B noticed the seat next to me on the big-city-bound-bus was vacant. She bungled in and paid the extra fare. We were off to Mars together after all, and this blogger was already over the moon.    

Mrs. B loves Matt Damon; Mrs. B loves Matt Damon topless; Mrs. B loves botany. Yes, folks, my beloved has found THE PERFECT MOVIE. Watching Matt Damon – sorry, Mark Watney – fiddle with his seeds, Mrs. B pursed her lips in admiration. She leaned over, nudged me in the ribs and whispered: “I wanna go help him!” 

Should have known she was going to say that. Don’t mind Brad: he’ll be Terra-bound, blogging away, looking after the cat…

THE SEEDS OF DOOM: “Hell yeah I’m a botanist! Fear my botany powers!”

“The Martian atmosphere is only 1% as thick as Earth’s, so a Mars wind of 100mph… would only have the dynamic force as a 10mph wind on Earth. You could fly a kite in it, but it wouldn’t knock you down” – Dr. Robert Zubrin. 

So, when Watney determines to “science the shit out of this,“ how accurate is The Martian’s science?

Or is it just shit?

The most glaring gaffe is the “fierce storm” – the integral plot device that causes Watney to be stranded on Mars in the first place. As the atmosphere of Mars is less dense than Earth’s, such a storm would be extremely unlikely – even Weir was quick – albeit reluctantly – to admit that.

One glowing review commended The Martian for being “one of the best thrillers of the year.” 

Thriller?

What makes this movie so enjoyable to watch is the natural charm and effervescence of its leading man. After the hilarious moment when he admits to being a botanist, and (too) confidently vlogs about how he will grow his own food, there is no reason for us to get anxious. No suspense, no dramatic tension, certainly no  “edge-of-the-seat” stuff here – in fact, his fight for survival becomes quite entertaining viewing. Amusingly, Watney’s concern seems mostly preoccupied with trying to cope with Commander Lewis’ deplorable taste in disco music!

“No, I absolutely will not turn the beat around!”

The biggest laugh of the movie comes when he experiments with making water by extracting hydrazine from the rocket fuel and burning hydrogen. He is – to use the hip parlance of our time – “pretty smokin'”; literally, the smoke is rising off poor Watney as he vlogs: “So… I blew myself up…”  

No prizes for guessing that my little lady gave out the biggest laugh when that accident blasted him across the auditorium in full glorious Dolby Stereo.   

THE SECRET GARDEN: “My asshole is proving to be just as useful as my brain”

“Just so we’re clear, Mark Watney is who I want to be. He has all the qualities I like about myself…  Mark Watney isn’t afraid to fly” – Andy Weir. 

Having enjoyed the audiobook, certain classic lines have been omitted, but Drew Goddard has managed to take one engrossing book and write a rather special screenplay.

It should be mentioned that the second-best feature of this movie is the stunning location photography. Wadi Rum in Jordan makes for a superb Martian landscape. We watched in 3D format, which helped enhance our viewing pleasure immensely.

Personally, we could easily have done without any of the scenes back on Earth; none of the (underwritten as usual) NASA personnel had a fraction of Watney’s charisma anyway. At least one of us would have been satisfied with just Damon monologuing nonchalantly into his videocam for the entire 141 minutes.    

Apart from the incredible storm, please spare me the young socially awkward mathematician who has (successfully!) plotted the best gravity-assist trajectory to bring back Watney et al within agreeable parameters. 

The only other major gripe about this movie concerns the climax. Besides the uncertainties of getting Watney into orbit (in a coneless module?!), there is the highly improbable task of Ares III selecting the right course and velocity to catch him. The movie’s running time is fast running out, so the script simply cannot afford any more screw-ups, miraculously.  A typically treacly Hollywood ending spoils it a tad, but nevertheless, its place on the Top 10 of 2015 list is assured. 

Naturally, there are numerous nods to other movies: being stranded (Cast Away), trying to deal with the return to Earth (Apollo 13), struggling to grow food millions of miles from Earth (Silent Running) and even being separated millions of miles from Jessica Chastain (Interstellar).

Fortunately for Damon, it is a more wholesome slice of sci-fi than the bleak and foul-mouthed Elysium (not even Mrs. B fancied the idea of watching her fave star as a bald-headed cyborg); and for Scott, it is a (much) welcome return-to-form after the flawed Prometheus and misjudged Exodus. 

To sum up then, The Martian is one helluva one-guy-against-the-odds movie – an exhilarating cinematic experience which can – and certainly will in this household – be watched time and time again. 

And yes, it was fantastic to have nachos with the Special Cheezy Dip again.

Mr. and Mrs. B’s Verdict: 

“Way to go, Iron Man!”

Hell For Leather: Warriors Of The Dystopian Wasteland

The Maximum Force Of The Future! Refueled and Revised…

MAD AS HELL: Take it to the Max

“Where must we go… we who wander this Wasteland in search of our better selves?” – The First History Man. 

Extraordinary. Long before Fury Road (hands down: the best, most enjoyable movie of 2015) but trailing woefully in the skidmarks of The Road Warrior, the wasteland – created by the ravages of armageddon – brought forth a terror quite beyond imagining, revving, racing, screeching and tumbling from your neighbourhood video rental store during the 80s.

Here, in this blighted territory, i.e. a bargain bucket of dodgy old videos, some of the most horrendous post-apoc movies can be found. After the skills and thrills of the original Mad Max movies, how did their imitators manage to turn out so unbelievably crap? It’s nuts.

By definition, nothing should exist in the “wasteland.” It serves merely as a pitiful reminder of humankind’s inept irresponsibility when it comes to the physical environment; the corruption of moral values we (used to) hold most dear. It’s no more than a harsh representation of dreams shattered and hopes crushed. And yet it is a potent symbol destined to feature consistently as the bleak and unforgiving terrain on which dystopian adventures will unfold.

“The Forbidden Zone was once a paradise. Your greed made a desert of it,” as one wise old ape will moan many centuries from now…

“Mad Max is a movie about a post-disaster world, and its success has inspired oodles of disastrously bad films. Witness Grade-Z movies so execrable that you’ll be yearning for a couple of minutes in Thunderdome” – Cyriaque Lamar.  

Holy guacamole. And you thought the end-of the-world was bad! “Post-apocalyptic” truly is a byword for tosh!

Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior has a lot to answer for! It inadvertently spawned a whole slew of dire rip-offs, mostly emanating from Italy – the hub of nearly all cheesy sci-fi ever produced. Those of you too young to remember: count yourself the lucky ones.  

What better example to throw in than Il Nuovi Barbari (The New Barbarians) – aka Warriors of The Wasteland (1982), a riotous piece of Italian crap featuring the Templars: a hilarious gang of gay roadsters in souped-up go-karts and dune-buggies (come on, the wasteland is a gas, isn’t it?!) terrorising any pitiful bands of apoc-survivors delirious enough to stray into their “territory.”

Then came The Atlantis Interceptors, aka The Raiders of Atlantis, aka Atlantis Inferno, aka call it what you will – it will always be crap. Someone had the nerve to distribute this fantastic rubbish. Nevertheless, you just could not take my eyes off it. More crazy, contrived vehicles (knives sticking out of the hubcaps, for goodness sake!), shoulder pads and helmets, but this time they came through a portal from another dimension to unleash havoc in a high octane bat-shit frenzy! Radical. 

Amazing to think how – on the other side of Armageddon – people will still rely on four wheels to get by. Not only that, apparently people willingly don American Football gear(!), have mohicans, and engage in other bonkers behaviour simply too ludicrous to elucidate here.

“Maximise your madness, and shift into overdrive as we make the world safe for burning rubber” – Sybil Danning.  

Spare a thought for the much-maligned: Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared Syn. This “High Noon at the end of the universe,” starring Jeffrey Byron, Tim Thomerson and Mrs. John Travolta was released in abominable 3-D. At the time, this was exactly the sort of madness worth cramming into my overworked and overheated VCR.

Say what you will about this universally-derided crud, for me it was an intensely enjoyable madhouse. Unlike it’s contemporaries, Metalstorm did not hail from Italy. It was produced by Charles Band, who – during the early 80s – carved out his own unique batch of ultra-cheap shoddy flicks.

Moreover, the vehicles seemed to be more practical armour-plated kubelwagens (with warped engine noises), and – what was more gratifying – there was no shitty American Football gear on show; heck no, these dudes looked like they were destined to duel in the desert. By 1983 standards, Metalstorm (in Standard format, not that tacky 3-D anaglyph version, thanks) is not as awful as most people would have you believe.

Thankfully, 2019: After The Fall Of New York never crossed my sensors. Just as well, sneaking a peak via Youtube now it looks more mediocre than The Atlantis Interceptors (if such an unenviable feat is possible). Still, at least deliberately setting it Stateside meant that the ubiquitous American Football clobber wouldn’t look so incongruous. 

“Its in your nature to destroy yourselves” – T-800 Cyberdyne Systems Model 101. 

Extra tail-gating and hub-cap-hurling mayhem was to come via Exterminators Of The Year 3000, an Italian Mad Max rip-off (also from 1983) which, again, had to be rented to be believed. A heavy slab of (grilled) cheese – synonymous with the 80s, for sure. Gingerly rewatching it in the comfort of hindsight, actually, it ain’t half-bad; it grips from the get-go and has an amazing original score by Detto Mariani. 

In conclusion then, rather than contemplate whether we exist only to destroy the land and deplete our resources, we should question whether there is an unwritten law stipulating that these mixed-up denizens of the “wasteland” have to arse about in American Football gear. 

As we speed – indeterminately, (ignorantly?) and inexorably – towards an unknowing future: where must we go?

Wait!

Just had a groovy idea: turn down the volume of the above classic clip and run this grungy track from Amphetamine Reptile Records (below) instead.

Hardcore road-ripper! Pedal to the Metal!

“Dear Future Generations,

Please accept our apologies. We were rolling drunk on petroleum” 

Kurt Vonnegut.  

What a waste…

Return To Mars: Why The Red Planet Fascinates Us So Much

No one would have believed, in the last years of the nineteenth century, that human affairs were being watched keenly and closely by intelligences greater than man’s and yet as mortal as his own…

“We can never anticipate the unseen good or evil that may come upon us suddenly out of space” – H G Wells.

Allegedly straight lines on the equator of Mars were first termed: “canali” (canals) by the Italian astronomer Giovanni Schiaparelli who observed and illustrated them in 1877. Even Percival Lowell – the esteemed astronomer who discovered Pluto – weighed into the controversy, claiming that the canals could only be “the work of some sort of intelligent beings.” 

For any canal to be visible from the Earth, the notion of engineering involving extremely implausible Amazonion proportions only fuelled the Martian-believers hopes even more. Such a gargantuan feat of engineering could only be the work of a highly sophisticated race.

By the time the far-fetched canals of Mars theory could be scotched, it was far too late. An enthusiastic and optimistic Victorian society had accepted the prospect of galactic neighbours, albeit with some considerable trepidation. From this age of astronomic madness emerged one of the enduring classics of science fiction. The War of the Worlds was first published in Pearson’s magazine in the Spring of 1897.

“I had a dream about a man. He is not from our world. He came down from the sky and spoke to me. He said we are from the third planet… We come from Earth” – Ylla.  

“They live in a house of crystal pillars on the planet Mars, by the edge of an empty sea. In the evenings, when the Fossil Sea’s warm and motionless, Mr. K sits in his room, listening to his book.” 

So says the narrator over the 1980 TV adaptation of The Martian Chronicles: my introduction to the impressive work of Ray Bradbury; also, it marked the first time that Mars made an impression on me.

It was memorable for being so downright creepy. The theme music was unforgettable. Reviewing it thirty years later, the poor special effects look more dire than ever. However, the screenplay by Richard Matheson is still quite affecting even now. Perhaps the most outstanding scene ever to take place on Mars can be seen here. It is a brief, yet magical, moment – one of my all-time faves.

“There’s what they call the ‘Mars curse’ in the movie industry. I think the last time there was a significant commercial success that took place on Mars was Total Recall” – Andy Weir.   

Ever since, though, it has been difficult to find that many films relating to Mars that are actually worth sitting through. Oddly enough, the first two Mars-related movies that spring to mind are the eerie Invaders From Mars (1953) and the hilarious Mars Attacks! (1996) but these two classics deal with the Martians on Earth. 

One of the earliest film forays onto the red planet was the distinctly baffling Robinson Crusoe on Mars (1964), which featured Adam (Batman) West. It is one of those obscure 60s oddballs that – let’s face it – hasn’t been mentioned anywhere else in the blogosphere all this month. Here is the trailer in case you were wondering whether such a bizarro movie exists!

Total Recall (1990) was based on a 1966 short story: “We Can Remember it For You Wholesale” by Philip K. Dick. This Paul Verhoeven-directed sci-fi action adventure pic starred Arnold Schwarzenegger as a construction worker who learns that his life is merely an implanted memory, and must travel to Mars to learn the truth. The movie became intriguing once it revealed subterranean engineering works constructed by a long-since-vanished alien civilization.

2000 was a diabolical year for movies set on Mars. Both Mission To Mars and Red Planet proved to be critical and commercial flops. For the purposes of this Post, the former was selected for a viewing mainly because Gary Sinise and Tim Robbins seemed like a less sufferable option than Val Kilmer and Tom Sizemore. 

It all started so well: we get acquainted with the mission’s personnel at a back garden barbecue while Zydaco music plays over the opening credits. Poor Don Cheadle: while investigating an abnormal feature in Cydonia, his crew are wiped out and he has to fend for himself on the red planet for a whole year before the aforementioned pair can come and rescue him. Hmm, he did well cultivating plants and a formidable beard; he could teach Matt Damon a thing or two. Rather than create a gripping adventure, the film sinks into a botched and far-fetched denouement. Surprisingly, the score was composed by the one and only Ennio Morricone, but for once, his sweeping strings do not fit, or lift, these insipid images.

Then, of course, 2011 brought the most disastrous animated movie ever: Mars Needs Moms. There is absolutely no reason to sully this finely cultivated blog by analyzing this crap, but you can’t help wondering who pitched this disturbing premise: mother abduction as family entertainment. And how did it get accepted?!  

In view of this appalling track record, by the time John Carter of Mars (my particular favourite Mars movie) was brought to the big screen in 2012, the “of Mars” segment of the title was dropped, most likely to avert the dire repurcussions of the Mars curse. Nobody knew who John Carter was – it bombed anyway. 

So, next week we will know if Ridley Scott has redeemed his career and successfully banished the curse of those movies to be set on Mars. 

A “map” of Mars created by Eugene Antoniadi in 1894.

Cheers!

Quasi-Scientific Powers: A Blog About Magic

Is There Any Argument To Include ‘Magic’ In Science Fiction?

“Magic is, by definition, not science. It is, therefore, that which cannot be entertained within science fiction. Its banishment, however, has been less than total” – Brian Stableford. 

Perhaps the best way to tell the difference between science fiction and fantasy is that while the former emphasizes science, a great deal of fantasy deals with magic. 

By definition, magic is the power of apparently influencing events by using mysterious or supernatural forces. Imagine magic disciplined into an “applied” science. Some SF writers have dabbled in it, leading to a varied array of stories about magic, or – more precisely – quasi-scientific powers.

It’s all James George Frazer’s fault. In The Golden Bough: A Study In Magic and Religion (1890), magic is represented as a kind of proto-science based on presumed natural laws: the law of similarity and the law of contagion. The first states that one can influence a process by imitating it, or influence an object by operating upon a likeness of it; the second states that objects once in contact remain associated, so that – ah, stuff it: anyone fancy any cake?

“Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic” – Arthur C. Clarke. 

No matter how determined SF authors have been in shutting out the mysterious lure of magic, they have invariably kept returning to it. It is said that one branch of specialised (science-based) jargon can easily pass into fantasy territory; strict boundaries btween the two no longer apply. Why should there be any boundaries in fiction?  

As just one example, psionic power can be converted into witchcraft, and vice versa. The combination of “careful extrapolation and absurd premises” fuelled the fantasy that appeared in “Unknown Worlds,” at one time a short-lived companion magazine to Astounding Science Fiction. One of its most notable stories was “The Devil Makes The Law,” (aka “Magic, Inc”) by Robert Heinlein.

A number of SF authors have toyed with pseudoscientific versions of supernatural phenomena. The shape-shifting inherent in “There Shall Be No Darkness” (1950) by James Blish comes to mind. The world really thrives on the mythology of magic in Black Easter (1968) by James Blish, while a world “where magic works and has been disciplined for application” featured in Poul Anderson’s Operation Chaos (1971).

Yet perhaps the most awesome SF/fantasy crossover is the The Book of the New Sun, a four-volume series by Gene Wolfe. He pioneered the innovative concept of “science fantasy” whereby conventional science fiction was rearranged into a new “posthistoric” Dark Age centuries after the collapse of our own civilization.

The first volume: The Shadow of the Torturer (1980) carries one of my all-time favourite SF book covers (see above), so – if the whole series can be found this Winter during my festive book hunt – then some thoroughly enjoyable reading is in order!

“I’d like to see little girls playing Avengers in the playground and doing the Scarlet Witch hand gestures” – Elizabeth Olsen.   

While scientific mishaps created (most of) the comic book heroes we know and love today, there are plenty of mystical mavericks ready to fight for justice, especially in Marvel Comics.

Leading the way, dazzling the least-suspecting with her luminous pink hex power is the Scarlet Witch. Wanda Maximoff became one of the most prominent female members of the Avengers; she married everyone’s fave android-in-green-tights: the Vision. 

The mutant mystic made her big screen debut this year in Avengers: Age of Ultron, played by Elizabeth Olsen. Apparently, her character’s powers were useless against the real dangers of filming: “You’re looking around and it’s like all these prestigious actors dressed up in costumes and none of us could stop laughing because we kept screwing up the scene.”  The actress confirms that the Scarlet Witch will make a second appearance in next May’s Captain America: Civil War and the next Avengers adventures.

Sure, my comics radar was well aware of Dr. Strange: the Master of the Mystic Arts, but somehow, his title never appealed. Even when you’re seven years old, a moustachioed man in a mini-skirt, with tights, does not look cool.  

However, having realised (in my teenage years) that he was actually wearing a long tunic, and some of his comics (from the early 80s) were actually quite impressive, the prospect of seeing him on the big screen is intriguing; the fact that Benedict Cumberbatch has signed on to play him has only piqued my interest further. It’s not due for release until 4 November next year, so that leaves plenty of time to catch up with the doctor’s exploits (back issues).

“m’I tuo fo ym ecaf” – Zatanna Zatara. 

DC Comics – not to be outdone – have their own formidable canon of mystic heroes.

Perhaps this stable’s best-known mystic is Zatanna, who made her debut in Hawkman #4 in 1964. Most notable for her odd knack of casting spells backwards, not only is she more glamorous than either Dr. Fate or the Spectre, but her fondness for white rabbits should be generously rewarded.  

This black-clad, top-hatted, curvaceous conjuror just happens to be embroiled in DC’s Identity Crisis storyline, with all its magical mind-wiping madness. 

“Pick up any one of the Essential Defenders reprint trades and you’ll see the Hulk and the Silver Surfer venturing into the worlds of magic with the Atlantean prince Namor. Rocking” – Charlie Jane Anders. 

Despite his penchant for blue tights and yellow helmet and cape, there was nothing about Dr. Fate that made me want to grab his comic. Funnily enough, whenever his so-called ongoing series was revived, it never lasted long – so it seems unlikely that we will see him on the big screen any time soon.

So, is there any room in this dizzying technological age for a little bit of hocus-pocus?

You could fly from one side of this galaxy to the other, see a lot of “strange stuff,” but never see anything to make you believe that there’s one all-powerful Force controlling everyone. No mystical energy field controls my destiny! It’s all a lot of simple tricks and nonsense.

Or is it…?

Abracadabra!