Star Wars: The Last Jedi: The Bradscribe Review

Your Spoilers – They’ll Have To Wait Outside! We Don’t Want Their Kind Here!

“Ryan Johnson’s movie has a sense of humour about itself and a sense of joy, but its emotional generosity, even in the midst of all the extravagant green-screen work, is its best special effect” – TIME Magazine. 

“I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror…

“I fear something terrible has happened.” 

You betcha!

Only the terror manifested more in the unwelcome form of spite and bitterness – there has been a Starkiller-sized amount of hate for VIII over this past weekend alone.

Truly, we waited on tenterhooks for two years for... THIS?! 

Okay, Star Wars: The Last Jedi is NOT terrible, but, alas, it is not great either.

You will be relieved to know that – unlike the barrage of bile foisted upon IMDb over the last few days – this review will refrain from descending into an expletive-laden rant. 

Unlike other episodes on the big screen, nobody cheered, nobody applauded, as the goosebump-inducing score broke out, or the legendary title scrawl began trundling upscreen… 

Hello, methinks, quite a different Star Wars movie is unfolding here… 

“And, as for Luke, Hamill comes into his own here with a very intelligent and sympathetic portrayal of his great character. Luke is now part Prospero, part Achilles… potentially the great magician or teacher on this island, ready to induct Rey into the Zen priesthood of the Force” – The Guardian. 

The biggest gasp in the auditorium did not go to the – admittedly awesome – praetorian guard fight, nor towards the surprise appearance of a dear old friend on Ahch-to (arguably Last Jedi’s most charming scene). No, as the opening space battle gets underway, the very first First Order officer we see on the bridge is played by none other than Ade Edmondson!! 

My non-British blogging friends might like to know that this cult fave star appeared in a few classic BBC TV comedy shows during the 80s. To see him here was extraordinary, but, immediately, alarm bells started ringing.

Uh-oh, they’re gonna play this for laughsunfortunately, this proved to be precisely the misguided and cringe-inducing case as a thoroughly underwhelming first act ensued. There are certain lines that should never be uttered in the Star Wars galaxy – “Let me put you on hold” (?!) should NOT be one of them, by Jove!

Amidst all the much-maligned New Hopisms of The Force Awakens, the trio of new characters: Rey, Finn and Poe were most welcome, and refreshing additions. Here, none of them, frustratingly, were allowed to develop any further.

The only thing to strike me about Holdo is that she looked all dressed and coiffured ready for Canto Bight, not saving the Resistance.

Laura Dern?! As an Admiral?! 

Come OFF IT… That absurd premise turned out to be more hilarious than anything “General” Gleeson managed to spout…

And “Captain” Phasma…? Soz, but that was the moment Brad blinked…

With the Asian cinema market larger than ever, it was just a matter of when, not if, a character like Rose (Kelly Marie Tran) would appear in this franchise. Personally, she gabbled too fast, so none of her scenes could be followed. No matter,  by the time she had become miraculously embroiled in the shoddily “written” derring-do, my attention had well and truly drifted. 

Speaking of cringe-inducing: by far the weakest – certainly most useless – sequence takes place on Canto Bight.

A cosmic Monte Carlo might be more suitable for crap like Valerian. But not Star Wars, for cake’s sake!

“We seem to be made to suffer. It’s our lot in life… …”

On a positive note, however, it was fabulous to see the lovely – and still feisty – Princess (sorry) GENERAL Leia again – thankfully, watching Carrie for the very-last-time proved not to be the emotional slog one had expected. However, one particular scene glided past 😉 that elicited a few sniggers in the darkness around me.

My time and patience was also saved by Adam Driver, who managed to bring some much-needed gravitas as perpetually-petulant-teen-with-ridiculous-mask: Kylo Ren.

And Chewie!

But then again, despite his instant-classic “Roast Porg” scene, this weary Wookie had – as feared – too little to do.

More sketches with those delightful, albeit dotty, “Caretakers” on Ahch-to would have cheered me up.

Most of all, though, it was great to catch a powerful and moving performance by Mark Hamill  as Ireland’s living legend: Stragglybeard, Lord Of The Grumpy Teatsqueezers.

The Last Jedi ranks with the very best Star Wars epics by pointing ahead to a next generation of Skywalkers – and, thrillingly, to a new hope” – Rolling Stone. 

Mercifully, this instalment is not as atrocious as the universally-reviled prequel trilogy, but still lags several parsecs behind last year’s Merry Sithmas Special: Rogue One. 

Disney – obviously – were too preoccupied with designing those cute critters: porgs, crystal foxes and whatnot – and all that blasted associated merchandise! – to worry about the inconsequential stuff. Such as story structure and a cohesive narrative, etc. etc.

And what is so Supreme about this Leader?

Deeply disappointed.

After being so intrigued by such a potentially-menacing figure, and wanting to know more about his origins/history, here (in his snazzy golden dressing gown) his “character” is – shamefully, almost embarrassingly – barely onscreen long enough to frighten us, let alone fascinate us further.

Snoke is a joke! (And like this film’s other “light-hearted” moments: simply not funny. And doesn’t deserve to be.)

Similarly, our fascination surrounding Rey remains almost-painfully unresolved. Amounting to nuthin’, this simply splutters out as the most annoying non-event ever. 

And Brad grows tired of asking this so it will be the last time: how did Maz find Luke’s lightsaber?!

Oh, never mind…

Not only do these unsettling anti-climaxes remain unsettled, but the way we all got psyched up and brainstormed out for NOTHING (partly inciting the extreme antipathy that has clogged up the internet these past few days) has brought me to the brink of indifference. And a complete, crushing state of apathy towards Episode IX, or – Sith forbid! – a whole new trilogy by Rian Johnson. It’s as if he didn’t BOTHER to watch The Force Awakens. Or, at least, consult JJ Abrams’ notes…

Whilst pondering whether to discuss Spoilers in this Review, let me conclude by stating that this whole bally venture felt like it spoilt just about everything that makes the Star Wars phenomenon so stupendous and awe-inspiring.

 

The most memorable moment of this particular viewing experience happened to be the severe cramp. 

After two and a half hours, all feeling in my right leg had gone. As the last dude stuck in his (plush, velvet, Edwardian) seat after this evening’s performance of The Last Jedi, a young attendant – black eyeliner, black lipstick, rings and studs protruding from the most unlikely places – came to check on me.

After explaining my predicament, whilst rising awkwardly to my feet, she chortled:

“Yer jus’ gonna ‘avta FORCE yerself, darlin’, he he!” 

Honestly!

What IS it with Brad and cheeky Goth girls?! 

She noticed me grimace at the endless end credits.

“I know!” she complained. “Absolute blooody roobbish, innit?! I ‘avta put up wiv this three times a day fer the rest o’ the week!” 

Ah yeah, your job really sucks…

“Anyways, enough abaht me – what did YOU think of it… …?”

 

 

BRADSCRIBE VERDICT: 

“That’s NOT how the Force works!”

 

 

 

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28 thoughts on “Star Wars: The Last Jedi: The Bradscribe Review

  1. Oh Brad!🤦🏻‍♀️ I’m reading your review and cringing like I did with Michel’s. This is so disappointing. I said to Michel that I had a bad feeling when I heard JJ Abrams wasn’t going to be at the helm. *Sigh* Well, I appreciate your very fair and honest review, I think I’ve made up my mind and I’m going to wait until this appears on Netflix to watch it.😕

    • Aww, thanks for popping round, Kim!
      Of course, I really tried to enjoy this movie.
      I really wanted to embrace this movie.
      Actually, I am reluctant to give VIII a 2nd viewing (perhaps only select scenes on YouTube)
      So I am extra grateful that Rogue One turned out to b so great!
      Bless u

  2. Excellent review as always, my friend! Although it appears we did have opposite reactions to this film. 😉 Ha ha I really loved this movie, even more on second viewing. To me it felt exciting, bold and different, yet still like Star Wars. I felt like all the main characters got a satisfying arc, even if Luke/Rey/Kylo were definitely the most compelling. I’m really excited to see where they take all the characters Im episode IX. Audiences seemed to respond well to the film both times I saw it in the theater, but it has been super interesting to read the variety of actions online. It’s fun to have a Star Wars movie to debate about! 🙂 Some of the humor moments felt off and there were a few things I would have tweaked, but the film ended up really working for me.

    I hope you have a very happy holiday! 🙂

    • Thank u so much, Ash!
      I thot u might be deterred from reading my negative thots, so am grateful that u stuck w it!
      I really don’t think that all th main characters were well handled – don’t believe that I could sit thro this a 2nd time. I have zero interest in IX
      This does, however, make me appreciate Rogue One so much more! 🙂
      I just spent a month away from th blogosphere so don’t need another hol, but thanks all th same! 😉
      U have a v happy holiday too, Ash
      Let me guess: 3rd viewing next Monday? 😉
      Bless u

      • Your writing is always great, so I definitely wanted to read it even though we had different reactions to the film. 😉 It’s always so interesting to me to see how different people can watch the same film but some love it and some don’t. Almost everything about this movie worked for me, but I’ve heard from others who disagreed with all their choices. I’m super pumped for IX and hope to make my way to the theater for a third viewing of this one soon! 🙂

      • I have a sack of festive delights on th way that I know u will enjoy! 🙂
        I’m getting too old to get super pumped these days, but u go ahead and enjoy IX
        Cheers!

    • Yes, Rey and Luke deserved so much more – we could not believe what was unfolding before our eyes
      Pretty sure I will be too busy rewatching RO to have any care for IX.
      Thank u for your Comment, Nancy!

  3. I agree entirely with your excellent review except to be a bit harsher, I wasn’t a big fan of Carrie Fisher’s performance, in our out of space. What a waste of 30+ years waiting to see young Master Luke and he is more miserable and bitter than I am and for 2.5 hours!! I totally agree with the humour, Star Wars humour should only use humour that fits their universe or characters. Telephone jokes make no sense, and Chrome Dome is pathetically Hollywood in all the wrong ways and doesn’t come close to C3P0 and his gag about Han Solo not recognising him because of his red arm 🙂 No character development of any note on the all powerful Snoke, Captain Phasma or Rey. Not a patch on Rogue One or Force Awakens, all that can be said is that it isn’t a prequel. As for Rose, is she even played by a legitimate actress? I read an interview with her saying people will either like her or not and there isn’t much she can do. Well, I ‘hate’ her and hopefully she goes the way of the Jar Jar for the final movie. I’m glad I didn’t watch any trailers or read anything before the film. My few weeks of speculation after watching A Force Awakens proved so much better than what was served up. Merry Christmas 🙂

    • Thank u v much for your excellent Comment, Stephen.
      Yes, a waste – certainly not th fitting tribute that Carrie deserved.
      No discernible plot, no characterisation = this is a bland and inconsequential 150 minute commercial for Disney, nothing more (glad I did not pay full fare)
      Rose is merely there because th Asian cinema market is now th biggest in th world – I couldn’t make out a word she was spouting! Doesn’t matter: her story arc amounted to nothing anyway
      There will b NO IX for me
      Sorry this mess spoilt your festive season
      And A Happy New Year to u too, Stephen! 🙂

  4. Well, you weren’t kidding when you said that this review would cheer me up. This is without a doubt by far the funniest and well written review for this film that I have seen so far. I loved all the star wars lines that you inserted throughout the review.
    It’s been almost two weeks now since I saw it, and my anger has subsided somewhat now, but it still makes me sad that this great franchise ended up like this 😢 Let’s hope JJ (not to mistaken for Jar Jar) can pull off a miracle. To keep it in Star Wars terms though ” I’ve got a bad feeling about this….”
    Great post, and thanks for the follow appreciate it 😀

    • Many thanks, sir! Glad u enjoyed this Post
      I usually write light-hearted Reviews to help deal with such underwhelming films as this.
      Alas, I hold no hope for IX – I will b “too busy” watching Rogue One.
      Thanks for Following – I hope u can find other gems to enjoy! 🙂
      Cheers!

  5. This is the funniest review of the film I’ve seen – nice job, mate 🙂
    And my feelings about this movie probably match yours. Even I – a massive PREQUEL LOVER – thought this film was a catastrophe. Albeit, a catastrophe with some good moments in it. The biggest problem, going forward, is that the next film is going to have no adults in the room – it’s all about the kids. It’s going to be the first Star Wars film EVER without grown-ups. And the kids just aren’t interesting enough to make that work. Which is why killing off Luke this early was so stupid – particularly as the Blessed Carrie isn’t around to bring the gravitas to the next one.
    FYI, I also want to drop a link here for my other blog, which is mostly a Star Wars blog: https://thebroodingbloggerofbespin.wordpress.com/
    And also, Mr Bradscribe, to invite you to contribute an entry to this post in which I was asking people to name their favorite moment in all of Star Wars: https://thebroodingbloggerofbespin.wordpress.com/2017/12/14/what-is-the-best-moment-in-all-of-star-wars/
    Cheers, have a great New Year.

    • Thank u v much, effendi
      When I have sat thro a catastrophe, I usually turn th Review into a light-hearted piece in order to deal with it. 🙂
      And thank u also for th Link to your star Wars blog!
      I am honoured that u have invited me to participate in your Fave Moment. I’ll head on over to find out more right now!
      Bless u

  6. Captain Phasma was – by far – the part that frustrated me the most. I was so excited to see her in ‘The Force Awakens’ and found her criminally underused. THEN I read the (admittedly brilliant!) ‘Phasma’ novel by Delilah S. Dawson and the (again, incredible!) ‘Captain Phasma’ comic miniseries by Kelly Thompson and I was even MORE excited to see Phasma do her thing in ‘The Last Jedi’…only to find her with even less to do. Seriously, she didn’t even need to be in this movie. Any character could have done her job. Granted, there was a lot in this film I really did enjoy. I am in the camp that, while very frustrated with parts, saw more good than bad here. But the Phasma thing simultaneously irritated me and broke my heart. She had SUCH POTENTIAL! Why, oh why do they keep doing this to us with her character??

    • Elementary, my dear Miller.
      Business is business
      “They” keep putting ephemeral figures (NOT characters) onscreen in order to promote action figures and other assorted merchandise. (Make Phasma female and u open up th market to girls, and so on.)
      This “Captain” had to come back in VIII cos they obviously didn’t flog enough Phasma gubbins after VII.
      It’s all about economics, not aesthetics any more, amigo – hence th Porgs. I rest my case.
      Hey, like, I’ve been around th world, man, I know how these things work! 😉
      Seriously, I wanted to see something substantial from Phasma too – and indeed from all of these figures – but realised all too quickly that such potential would b wasted.
      It seems now that if we want sufficient characterisation in this genre, we’re better off w novels/comic books
      Keep Calm And Carry On Reading
      Bless u

      • It’s funny…I’ve never been one to wear a lot of Empire/Dark Side related t-shirts or anything. I’m more of a Rebellion/Jedi guy :). But I saw this AMAZING black t-shirt with Phasma on it (just her helmet, and it was shiny silver) and I felt I had to buy it before TFA. Now, whenever I wear it, people just think it’s a regular stormtropper! Boba Fett had few lines but at least he was a character people remembered! There was none of that for Phasma!

        In the old days, Lucas would fill his scenes with all these memorable side characters then, once he stopped making movies and the Expanded Universe began to expand, they’d give them all backstories. I loved it! But Disney is just writing novels *ahead of time* about side characters. It drives me crazy! I read these books and comics, fall in love with the characters, and then get zero payoff from my emotional investment in the film. Siiiiiiiigh.

        But I think you’re right – keep calm and carry on reading seems like the way to be!

      • Oh no! Wouldn’t dream of scrounging dosh out of my friends!
        T-shirts, books, comics, quesadillas and cake are all gifts from me to u (and both of my other regular readers)
        Cheers!

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