Interface 2037 Ready For Inquiry: What’s The Story Mother?

Loving The Alien? This Time, No Means NO!

“…A story that is basically just a mixture of The Creature from the Black Lagoon and The Thing from Outer Space… [Ridley Scott’s] combination of space fiction and horror story is no great shakes as a work of art. Artifice, however, it has in profusion.” – Derek Malcolm.

“A transmission? Out here? …Human?” 

“Unknown…”

Apologies if you swung by expecting a Review of Alien Covenant.

But really – it’s a swizz of the first water; a pointless celebration of the Alien franchise’s Greatest Hits. Wasting my time in a cinema for something like this can usually incite me to rant no end, but after a particularly trying fortnight – both physically and mentally – yours truly has been unable to write anything remotely readable.

Here, on a good day, you would be able to learn how completely unnecessary this rehash really is. How it adds nothing new; judging by the lacklustre trailer, the script sounds unremarkable, and – like Prometheus, which frustrated more than frightened audiences – attempts at character development are nil, considering how expendable WE KNOW this crew are…

And to think that after enjoying the first two Alien movies, this adventurer genuinely craved more sequelsha!

How times – and attitudes – have changed. After two more dodgy sequels, the divisive Prometheus and now Alien Covenant, one of the most interesting movie franchises has become one of the most tedious…

“I did have one odd nightmare once. I dreamt I was visiting some friends in a Vermont farmhouse and the alien came out of the chimney. Suddenly I was dreaming about my own life. You would think it would only happen in space… but if you start to dream like this, it puts a whole different reality to it” –  Sigourney Weaver.

There is another anguished reason why Alien Covenant proves to be so bothersome.

Where, oh where, is Sigourney Weaver?!

Just two years ago, it all seemed fine an’ dandy. The actress most synonymous with this franchise was itching to return and wrap up Ellen Ripley’s story one last time. It would have been the Alien 3 we deserved; Michael Biehn was also lined up to reprise the role of Corporal Hicks from Aliens. The director of Chappie and District 9 was set to helm (incidentally a move not welcomed in this camp).

But by the time the Covenant trailer appeared earlier this year, the head-scratching began. We saw what looked like an inferior rehash of the 1979 masterpiece, and Katherine Waterston “playing” the female protagonist.

Okay, Waterston, but no Weaver?!

Such an intriguing movie project – allowed to languish in development-hell – is officially cancelled in favour of… this?!

In online forums, no one can hear Brad scream…

Don’t care that Covenant garnered more at the box office in its first week than Guardians Of The Galaxy Vol. 2, and retains a respectable score on Rotten Tomatoes, this is NOT the package that any of us expected.

Great Scott! What is Ridley doing?! 

Cannot believe that he is responsible for such a run-o’-the-Hollywood-mill exercise…

“We had gone through various sketches… they seemed to be of scaly bodies… or huge blobs… There was no elegance to them, no lethalness. What emerged – Giger’s designs… definitely not of this world…” – Ridley Scott.

Alien Covenant is the first Alien film since the passing of H. R. Giger.

With each new underwhelming entry to this franchise, the extraordinary terror instilled by Giger’s original chilling, biomechanoid design is gradually diminished. Moreover, in attempting – and failing! – to adequately explain the backstory surrounding such notable features as the derelict spaceship and the Space Jockey of LV426, their mystique is irreparably eroded.

Just contemplating the faults and inanities of Alien Covenant and what could have been – makes me feel more ill.

You wonder: why couldn’t they change the alien design, themes, names, et al – produce something completely different for a change?

Surely, such a fresh premise would be preferable than having yet another reboot/prequel foisted upon us? Ah! Sllly Brad; business is business, of course  jeez, how could we forget that?

Unfortunately – like other unwanted cultural dross floating around us @ the mo – we cannot exactly blow this thing out the goddamn air-lock.

So, Mother, what can we do?

INTERFACE 2037 READY FOR INQUIRY

REQUEST EVALUATION OF CURRENT PROCEDURES TO TERMINATE ALIEN COVENANT

UNABLE TO COMPUTE

AVAILABLE DATA INSUFFICIENT

Nuts…

 

Does Alien Covenant at least offer anything as sublime as this on its Soundtrack?

Thought not… 

“Final Report of the commercial starship Nostromo, Third Officer reporting.

“The other members of the crew – Kane, Lambert, Parker, Brett, Ash, and Captain Dallas – are dead.

“Cargo and ship destroyed.

“I should reach the frontier in about six weeks. With a little luck, the network will pick me up.

“This is Ripley, last survivor of the Nostromo, signing off…”

 

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20 thoughts on “Interface 2037 Ready For Inquiry: What’s The Story Mother?

  1. I had no idea Sigourney Weaver and Michael Biehn were ready to come back?! That would have been AMAZING. Wow. Granted, I did find a few thoughtful themes in ‘Alien Covenant,’ even if it failed to capture any of the mystique of the original. But the fact that we could have had a final story with Ripley and Hicks back makes me hurt with regret. What could have been…

    I both appreciate your bringing this to my knowledge and no blame you for the nights I will spend pondering what might have been… Do you think there’s any chance they still might try to make that movie?! I haven’t followed any of the news so I’ve no idea. Oh, I hope so…

    • First of all:
      THANK U SO MUCH, MICHAEL
      for popping round! V much appreciated – I was just about to lock up and sulk off somewhere…
      Yes, it wld have been AMAZING – it is so frustrating: I’d done a Post 2 yrs ago gushing about how Alien 3 and those other tawdry sequels would b ERASED – this film wld have picked up where Aliens left off (they even had conceptual art featuring a well-wicked acid-scarred Hicks)
      AND NEWT WLD AVE SURVIVED AS WELL, FER PITY’S SAKE!!
      But hey, I’m cool – shame th production was terminated without as much as a Tweet… future chances? At th mo, they look bleak, I’m afraid.
      Naturally, I assumed Sigourney wld pop in just for a cameo, but nah, not even that!
      My advice: don’t fall for th “Captain Phasma trap” (getting all excited for potential awesomeness that doesn’t amount to ANYTHING)
      So don’t blame me for boycotting this Covenant waste of space!
      Enjoy th nights 😉
      Cheers!

      • “Captain Phasma Trap” is now going to be a phrase I regularly use to describe these sorts of overhyped letdowns. I love it! However, I am totally bummed about the could-have-been sequel. I would have loved, loved, looooved to have seen that! So I’m with you my friend. Siiiiigh, oh well, I guess we can always dream right?

        If nothing else this gives me something exciting to think about as I grade final exams. This time of year is a nonstop barrage of grading and I was enjoying a little break when I read your post and have been thinking about the awesome implications of what-could-have-beens as I’ve graded since then. Thank you my friend.

      • Thank YOU!
        I am delighted, and honoured, to know u that u have been inspired to use this phrase – at last, something positive to take out of this past fortnight…
        Grading exams: miles better than taking them, right?!
        Talking of breaks, I am thinking of enjoying a break from blogging for th mo – don’t worry, u have an archive spanning 3 yrs to keep u in hi spirits until Brad makes his triumphant return
        Huzzah!!

      • Grading exams is absolutely better than taking them…I think…most times :). Sometimes they can be frustrating but, by and large, I’m happy to be on the side I’m on!

        As to your break, I hope you enjoy it. Sometimes we all need to just relax and take a little time to ourselves. When writing’s not fun, there’s really no reason to do it you know? I hope your break’s rejuvenating for you and I’ll certainly enjoy your back catalogue when I start craving some Bradtastic writing – huzzah indeed!

        If you’d like, you’re always welcome to email me (mmiller@mpslakers.com) should you be in the mood for some non-blog comment section banter. Enjoy your rest my friend!

      • Thanks for your reply, Michael!
        It’s not so much being unable to derive pleasure from creative sessions, but not receiving sufficient response – if no one wants to read, why write, eh?
        I have actually LOST Followers this month, so need to re-evaluate what’s making this site th Bradtastic Bore!
        Thanks for th email address – I just might illuminate yer inbox some day!
        Cheers!

      • Well, it’s certainly always exciting for ME when I stop by! I’m not certain what everyone else is thinking but I’d say they’re missing out. Either way, it would certainly be exciting to see a little Brad-mail in my inbox sometime.

      • Thanks, Michael.
        When “they” gimme a miss, I am missing out as to why – I would appreciate their criticism. Can’t pls everyone, but there is always room for improvement!
        An e-mail may not come just yet, but there’s always hope – ha!
        Cheers!

      • Oh, I imagine if it comes it will be a surprise shrouded in mystery on some distant day. It’s more fun like that anyway.

        And it is odd to try and figure out the whims and draws of readers. I have no idea what makes certain pieces hits and others misses. It would be exciting to decipher that mystery though!

      • No?! Michael has misses too?! Outta sight, man – now THERE is a surprise shrouded in mystery if ever there was 1!
        Have a Bradtastic weekend
        Cheers!

    • Thank u so much for thinking of me, Danica.
      After a difficult month, it has taken a fortnight to get this new post out – which no one wants to read… 😦
      These awards usually lift my spirits – and my Stats 🙂
      Bless u

      • Always! I hope this new month will bring new energy and opportunities to you. Oh, I think more people read your posts than you realize.
        Here’s to uplifted spirits! 🙂

      • Thank u, Danica – could really appreciate energy and any opportunities @ th mo!
        Th same 2 Posts from my Archives receive a lot of Comments from non-Wordpress users, predominantly positive; th only complaints? I don’t put in enough piccies – ha!
        Yay to those uplifts!
        Cheers!

  2. Sometimes it’s better to let a franchise ride off into the sunset than try to recapture the glory days. 😦 Not every property is capable of spanning the length of the Star Wars and Marvel franchises. But at least we’ll always have the original Alien and Aliens! 😉

    • Thanks, Ash!
      Considering what I’ve been thro th past fortnight, watching something like Alien Covenant wld NOT have cheered me up!
      I see u braved it, and have put up a Review! Going over right now to check it out!
      Cheers!

    • Yes, it wld have been – shld have been – totally awesome! Will never understand why time and money had to b wasted on Alien Covfefe instead…
      Best stick w Alien and Aliens
      Thank u for your Comment!
      Cheers!

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