The Whole Cake And Nothing But The Cake: Trial Of A Timewaster

Bally Bunny Hero In Krazy Kangaroo Court!

trial-of-a-timelord

“What kind of government you guys got here? This is worse than California!” – Miles Monroe. 

Cor!

Brad Fartlighter

and his feckless fearless band of troubadours:

Brad Company,

 subjected to an interrogation by the (usually) despicable 

Zegreatme, Dark Overlord of the Zandokan Empire 

on the normally boring and inhospitable planet of Fridgia, managed to turn the whole silly thing into a very cushty dinner-party -yay! 

Everything is going really peachy-keen until-!

“‘Ere, this tea don’t ‘alf taste funny…”

And in that split second, Brad was caught in a pulsating shaft of light. He gasped in bewilderment as flickers of lightning darted across his fingertips.

“Madre de Dios!” shouted Nacho.  

“Jeez, Brad!” Lexi cried aghast. “What’s goin’ on?!”

“Why ya askin’ me, lov? I dunno what the blazes this is!” 

A sharp crackling sound filled the hall; it made Brad jump.

“Aww, bloomin’ ‘eck! I dropped me cake…”

The light show intensified. 

“Grud!” yelled Harris. “You’re disappearin’, mate!”

The ex-Battleforce Commander stared in horror as his washboard abs began to fade.

“Blimey Charley! I do look a tad faint…”

“Don’tcha worry, Commander. We’ll find out what’s happ’nin’ an’ try an’ getcha back!” 

“Yeah, man!” shouted Nacho. “Ev’rythin’s gonna be alright.”

“Cheers, lads, I feel so much-“

“It’s gettin’ worse!” Lexi yelled incredulously.

True, the searing orb surrounding your hero became almost blinding, and the fit figure of Fartlighter therein slipped swiftly from view. Critical Mass seemed imminent.

“Hey, Lex,” Brad croaked solemnly. “Tell my Mother that I l-“

And with that, Brad had had it.

*

On the other side of the galaxy, within another grand, opulent hall, the same startling light show re-energised. An assembly of Imperial bigwigs awaited a very special arrival with considerable glee.  

In a flash, the human subject of their foul intent abruptly materialised afore them.

“-left the pie in the microwave-HEY! What th-?! Fer cryin’ out loud, what am I doin’ in a Zandokan courtroom?” Brad stormed.

A truly repugnant alien stepped forward to gloat at him.

“Welcome, Urfmairn. Ay em High Councillor Zorn, en’ zees eez your trial! Heh heh heh…”

article-0-0d048fc300000578-507_468x286

“You have to give yourself up! They won’t hurt you. They’ll restructure your brain” – Luna Schlosser.  

“WHOA! Back up the landspeeder for one finger-lickin’ minute, man,” spluttered the disorientated Brad Fartlighter. “I didn’ order any trial!”

“Nur, Urfmairn, but we did!”

The dimly-lit courtroom – the center of your galactic hero’s fate – heaved with a packed congregation of Overlords, Senators and other despicable dignitaries from the most rotten imperial system the galaxy had ever seen…

…all baying for Brad’s blood. 

“Fer too lonk, u hef defied ze Zandokan Empah! Ve hef hed ennuv! And beeemed you here to stend trial fer your crimz against our glurrious Empah,” the Councillor sniffed haughtily.

“As Jurdge and Prozecutor, Ay vill prezide ofer-“

“Hey, wait, Big Ears! Don’t I get a lawyer to defend me, like?”

“Nur! Nur Zandokan eez stewpeed ennuv to deffend ze laikes off you… Urfmairn.”

“Uff, that’s charmin’. Still, I expect no more from the likes of you Zandokan nerks-”

“Zylenz! Ve vill get zeez prozeedeengs undairway. And zhen sentenz you to Deff-“

“Come again?”

“DEFF! Ze Zandokan Zennat hez already decreed your fett!”

“Boba fett, huh? Sounds like bollocks to me-”

“ENNUV! Ve shell prozeed wiv ze fermaliteez immeediatly! 

“You aire Bred “Bricks” Burrito Fertlittair – formair Battlefurce Commandair of ze Galacteec Defenz Militiair?”

“Yes, I am that person. I am him; I am he…”

“Then YOU! Bred Fertlittair, aire charged vit seizink seven cruisairs of ze Zandokan Impeerial Fleet, end 608 crates ov… kek?! Zeez eez outray-jus!”

“I’m afraid your justice system does me an injustice, Yer Righteousness…”

“Oh? Vot do you mean?”

“Your records should say: EIGHT Zandokan cruisers and 617 crates of cake-”  

“Vot eez zeez inpertinenz?! Vhy zo much kek?!”

“Well, why not? It is the most fabulous object in the galaxy. There is nothing more special-“

“Oh? How about zex?” 

“Not just now, lov; I gotta headache…” 

planet-of-the-apes-see-no-evil-hear-no-evil-speak-no-evil

“I knew it. I’m surrounded by assholes!” – Dark Helmet. 

“Raight, zhat’z eet! Tairm to breeng zeez prozeedeengs to a clurz! Ay herebah zentenz you: Bred Fartlittair, formair Battlefurce Commandair to Deff by Teedlyweenkz! Do you hef enytheenk to say?”

“Yeah, baby. Ah’m gonna miss yer rapier wit, Judge Dread-“

“ENNUV! GUARDZ! Tak heem eway!” 

As the Battleforce Commander-turned-blogger stood defiantly in the dock, arms folded, he watched as a group of guards scurried forward to escort him out to goodness-knows-where. 

And in that split second, Brad was caught in a pulsating shaft of light. He gasped in bewilderment as flickers of lightning darted across his fingertips.

“By the Lord Harry,” he sighed. “Not this again.”

“VOTZEVUKK EEZ GOEENK URN?!” screamed the Judge.

“Who do ya think I am: Dr. Frickin’ Strange?! Fer the umpteenth time, man, I dunno what the blazes this is. Tell ya what tho: you can go and fff-” 

And with that, Brad had had it.

In his place, in a flash,Zandokan Dark Overlord abruptly materialised afore them.

“Vhere eez Bred now?!” he thundered, manically glancing around the room.

The gobsmacked Judge punched his chest and clicked his heels in salute.

“Zegreatme! You honair uz wiv your ezteemed prezenz! But vot aire you doeenk here?!”

“Durn’t you burr me wiv your vooleesh prettle, Zorn!” Zegreatme hollered. “Vhere eez ze Urfmairn now, eh? You bimmed heem eway frum may clutchez, en’-”

“Bimmed, my Lord?”

“Yayyez! BIMMED!! Bimmed ‘eem eway frum mee! Eet hez tekken MURNTHS to faind ze wretched Fertlittair – en’ you – YOU! You TOOK ‘eem EWAY frum MEE een ZECONDS!! En’ now he hez gorn, Zorn – GORN!!”

His biochemech armour cranked and creaked as he strode furiously up and down. He stopped to gleer right into Zorn’s face.

“Ya kner, een zeez gret cozmeec drama unfulding beffore uz, ‘ee wuz may prizner… ya kner? Main, Ay tell you, main, main, MAIN!”

A Security Officer burst onto the scene.

“Ve hef trecked heez exact co-ords, my Lord!”

“Ah, goot! Vell, zat eez zumtheeng – zo, vhere eez Bred now?” 

“On board ze Caleesta Blockhead, sir! Bred Cumpany managed to beeem heem back!”

“Vell, eezn’dat juzt vukkin’ fain en’ dandy…” 

Suddenly, the Zegreatme screamed, violently shaking his bionic fists and cursing the Ancient Gods using the most foul, untypable words imaginable. 

After a short while, the Security Officer’s hand shot up to his earpiece. The Dark Lord paused from his wrath, panting hoarsely.

“Ennytheenk else?” 

“Oh… er, ve hef juzt rassivd verd that Bred Cumpany hef med ze jurmp to lightspeed. They should be on ze uddair zide of ze galaxy by now-“

“Of course!” Zegreatme fumed. “Vhy ze vukk vouldn’t zhey be? Ahem, tell me… Zorn, deed your agents geddu install ze trackeeng devize on ze Caleesta, hmm…?”

Zorn bowed his head in shame; none of the other Imperial personnel dared utter a word.

“Nur, thot nut… Teepical. Ay knew it. Ay’m zurrounded by vukkweetz- VUKK!!” he exhaled venomously, and fell to his knees.

“VUKK, VUKK, VUKKITY-VUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKKK!!”

to be continued...

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