Some Like It Hoth…
“He is as clumsy as he is stupid!” – Darth Vader.
In the previous episode, Brad’s stock of cake was stolen by his wicked arch-enemy:
Zegreatme, Dark Overlord of the Zandokan Empire.
Brad Company set out in their Sentinel-Class Starship: the Calista Blockhead to rebuild their confectionery collection and, perhaps, catch up with that alien toerag.
On an excursion through the Vairdoyavontit System, Brad sets a course for Fridgia, said to have the largest stockpile of snacks an’ sweeties in the quadrant…
“Are you mad?!” Nacho blurted. “We’re diving into Fridgia!”
“Hell yeah! The underground Ice Palace of Battenberg should have exactly what we need!” Brad wailed excitedly as the Calista began its descent.
“C’mon, Brad, the longer we stay here,” Baz protested as Brad Company strode out of the Calista.“…The further that Zandokan moofmilker is gettin’ away WITH OUR CAKE!”
“Hundred degrees BELOW on the surface, an’ it’s far too nippy down ‘ere an’ all!” Lexi muttered, rubbing her arms furiously.
“Yeah, me hands are frozen, and I’m starting to get cold feet about this whole idea…” complained Harris.
“I hear wotcha sayin’, guys, but hey! This is just the tip of the iceberg – there are OODLES MORE cake and sweet stuff here than you can shake a fudge-stick at! Besides, the Administrator ‘ere and I go way back…” Brad reassured them.
“Welcome back, Commander!” Gombeen Goffer, the Administrator of Battenberg announced heartily. “And I see that you’ve brought your famous Company with you – splendid! An’ we have a special surprise lined up just for you!”
“Cool! Surprises are the most delicious!” Brad enthused. “Cheers, me ol’ mucker!”
They walked into an elaborate dining room. A familiar feckwit was standing at the far end of the table.
“Ve vood be honouraird eef you vood join uz!”
In an instant, a battalion of Zandokan Shokk Troopers dressed in brilliant white Snowtrooper gear burst out from all sides, their Particle Accelerator Lances and Shock Pulsar Rays locked onto each member of Brad Company.
“Don’t tell me,” Lexi moaned. “They want us to freeze…”
Gombeen mumbled pathetically: “I had no choice. They arrived right before you did. I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry too, Twitface… Ya really know how to ruin a dude’s appetite, don’tcha, fella?”
“No, really. Don’t give me that cold stare…”
“ZO!” cried their contemptible host. “You tried to fool Zegreatme!”
“Well, bless my blancmange… We fell right into this one…”
“Vell, vell! Vot a zmall galaxy! Bredfort “Bricks” Burrito Fertlittair in ze fleursh!”
“Fert…littair…?!” Nacho wondered.
“Yez, Fertlittair! Too lonk hef ve treffelled ze spazwayz lookeenk fur ze lejendry Battlefurce Cammandair-turned-bloggair, en’ now: VE HEF YOU! HA! In ze coldest sectair of ze galaxy as vell – how apt, ner?”
“I would say it’s ice to see ya again, Zeggy-baby, but I think I’ll save the awful puns for yer awful self…”
“How conzideret urv yur- VOT?! ENNUV!”
“Impossible man…” – C-3PO.
“Okey-dokey, me hearties, grab a seat!” Brad enthused, eyeing the vast sweet spread laid out before them. “‘Ere ya go, Lexi; you can sit here, pet; Harris, Crow: over there; Baz, you can sit there, so when I give the word, pass over that mean-looking gateaux right there. And Nach, you can sit here, next ta me. This is ace – ”
“Vot… air you DOEENK?!” the Zandokan Overlord blurted in astonishment. “Two-duzzen gurns trenned on you and ull you ken theenk about is KEK?!”
“Wha-?! Who said that?” Brad cried in alarm, glancing over both shoulders. He caught sight of the Zandokan gawping straight at him.
“Uff… Ha ha! Oh Zeggy, I forgot you were still here,” he chortled to himself.
“URNBELEEVIBBEL!” Zegreatme stormed, shaking his head in sheer disbelief. “Let mee tell you, zunjine: eet ees urnwaz to murk a high-wankeeng membair of ze GRET ZANDOKAN EMPAH! Ah vill hef to teech you a less-”
“What the deuce is this?!” Brad blurted abruptly.
A mandroid had just appeared at Brad’s side, a serviette draped over its chromium arm.
“Oh, this is E8sU-Fur-Q, my server-droid,” Gombeen chipped in. “He can get you any refreshment you like…”
“Hey, tha’s cool! Er, White Russian, if you please. Wiv some ice… if ya can spare it…”
“You certainly have a way with people…” – Princess Leia.
“-And then the Cardassian turned to me and said: ‘You keep jigglin’ that thing around an’ it’ll fall off-!'”
“An’ another thing: how come you can never peel off the top strip of a Venusian Fudge Sundae without it falling onto your-”
“BRED! Stop talkeeng amongst yerselves ven Ay em talkeeng down to you!” the Zandokan Overlord hollered. “Ze tai-eem fer furn an’ gehrms ees OFAIR! Fridgia hes fallen to ze Zandokan Empah en’ you en’ your steenkeeng Compeny vill – undair ze tairms of Zandokan Law – all be zentenzt to DEAF! All ve hef to do is poot all off you out onto ze zurface of thees wretched planet, heh heh heh…”
“Uff!” Harris seethed. “Why you cold-hearted sonnuva-”
“ENNUV! Let me zay: Ay veel not meess eny uff you at all-!”
“Hey, Zeggy!” Brad chipped in. “Chill out, man. Sit down; have a popsicle-“
“ENNUV!” Zegreatme stormed around the table, his intimidating cloak swishing around his shins as he strode. He leered into the face of the former Battleforce Commander with an icy stare.
“Ha, ze gehrm is urp, Bred! Thair ees NOVAIR left in thees galaxy fer you to rurn! There ees NER EZCAPE! Reziztenz ees footile! No longair must ve hef to tolerate you en’ your fleepant wun-linerz! You vill find that ner mattair vair you en’ yair accur-zed Company gur, the unstoppabell MEHRT of ze Zandokan Empah eez NERT to be trifelt wit!”
“Ooh, Blimey Charley! Ya got trifle as well?! Goody gumdrops, what flavour?”
THAWED OUT CONTINUED…