Everybody online… looking good!
“Get on the ready line, Marines, get some today! Move it out, goddammit! Get hot! Move it out, move it out, move it out! Move it out, move it out, move it out! Aaarrrr, absolutely badasses!” – Sgt. Apone.
Alright sweethearts, what are you waiting for? Breakfast in bed?! When the going gets tough, the tough go badassing. By definition, a badass is someone tough, uncompromising or intimidating.
Not like me ta be sittin’ reading a book in coffee shops trying to look remotely intellectual… well, some of the time, but whenever that dreaded bug-hunt should arise, this is the Dirty SF Dozen that this natural-born-leader would want fightin’ by his side…
“GEDDU DA CHOPPAH!” – Major “Dutch” Schaefer.
Can’t think of a stronger or indefatigable officer than Dutch as the first to get selected.
Many times spent smeared with mud lying in the shadows glowering at my extraterrestrial enemies, it’s so reassuring to learn that this Special Forces team-leader has been there, done that, got the T-shirt, ripped it up and set it ablaze to light up the jungle night.
Dropped into a Central American nightmare – for all the wrong reasons – they have to contend with
Adrien Brody the Predator (1987). The Major is tough, dependable and guaranteed always… always to stick around…
The One That Got Away: Blain
A carbon copy of Dutch, plus ‘tache, a Little Richard tape and wisecracks! But despite wielding a six-barreled M134 Minigun, four years before the Terminator got to let rip with one – and sharing my irritation of Alabama ticks – Blain got zapped, alas, by the Predator too darned early.
“She’ll fight my battles for me…” – Roy O’Bannon.
2. Imperator Furiosa
This one-armed bandit has literally taken the blogosphere by a storm as big as the one that engulfed the War-Rig and Immortan Joe’s feral band of pursuers. Feisty and determined, the only thing Furiosa lacks is a Y chromosome. It is absolutely fantastic for our favourite genre to be imbued with a new female action hero in the Ripley-mould. So this tough-as-nails, grease-smearing driver automatically earns her place here. Certainly a more honourable path than modelling for perfume bottles.
And you know she’s been put next-in-line; if me an’ Dutch get completely rat-arsed in a bar in Mogadishu, then she – unreservedly – takes command. THAT’S how highly her performance in Fury Road (2015) is rated at this blog.
Equal opportunities: Brad is all for ’em. Look, most of my Followers are female. (Stop that sniggerin’, there! Knock that shit off, Hudson!) They don’t call me an Officer and a Gentleman fer nothin’ y’know…
The One(s) That Got Away:
Up until last week, ol’ Max Rockatansky himself would’ve made this List quite easily, but circumstances change, especially when a blistering movie comes out of nowhere to completely obliterate the Action Movie Book o’ Rules.
If you thought you might find Ellen Ripley: Scourge of the Xenomorphs in this Post, then hard luck – she’s on leave shooting the fifth Alien movie. See here:
And if you were expecting Sarah Connor here, soz, but Brad doesn’t do obvious. If he did, none of those impressive promotions (cluttering my desk), nor these medals (glistening in the binary sunset across my ample pecs) would’ve come my way…
“I like to keep this handy… for close encounters” – Cpl. Dwayne Hicks
3. Corporal Dwayne Hicks
The only one of the Space Marines to make it out of the nightmare of LV426 alive – a splendid qualification in my – or any –book. In the gung-ho shenanigans of Aliens (1986), Hicks was the one with coolness and steady nerve to keep what was left of the cast going – it’ll be a pleasure to see him again when Alien 5 finally comes in…
The One That Got Away: Vasquez.
Another strong brigade-contender sadly obliterated from existence.
Under NO circumstances, NO badass should EVER have to be trapped with an asshole at the moment they meet their maker…
Son of Odin! Scion of vaunted Asgard! Wielder of the Mystic Mallet: Mjolnir! Protector of- OI! POINT BREAK!! Stop arsing about in that duck pond and get on the ready line!
Fine… as you Asgardian fops are wont to bark: “Hast thou not ‘eard?! Get thee out of yon brackish water! And get thine swanky clobber on…!! Dost ye know what thou art?! Thou art a [EXPLETIVE DELETED].”
Move it out! Move it out! Move it oww… nuts… Shoulda selected frickin’ Heimdall instead… bah….!
“You’re in my way, Piglet… I like to get everyone’s attention. That way, I don’t have to repeat myself” – Ham Tyler.
4. Ham Tyler
The original V miniseries became the must-see TV event during that giddy Summer of ’84. It began splendidly, but when bad-piece-o’-work Ham Tyler gate-crashed the scene, spraying Teflon rounds at those lizard stormtroopers with his trusty mini-Ingram machine-pistol, me and me mates just went bananaz!
This master of covert operations, communications and bad relations aka “the Fixer,” was morally despicable, yes, but thank the stars he joined us in fighting off the Visitors.
The One That Got Away: Mike Donovan
God love us: since when did TV news cameraman Mike Donovan become a contender for my brigade?! An exceptional heroic character, certainly, a bit of an ass perhaps – some girls at the time remarked that he had a great ass – but he was far too good to be bad…
“Well, hello Mr. Fancypants! I’ve got news for you pal, you ain’t leadin’ but two things right now: Jack and shit… and Jack left town” – Ash.
Quite frankly, ‘Badass’ is Bruce Campbell’s middle name. How could he not be on this list?!
Transported to John Ford-country in circa. 1300, the Badassery of Ash – in Army of Darkness (1992) – was way too strong for an invading legion of the dead as he led a bunch of primitive screwheads to victory. Perfect material for any brigade then, not just mine – and besides, his boomstick is way bigger than mine… Groovy.
The One That Got Away: Groot
The main reason why Guardians of the Galaxy became the top grosser last year was the overabundance of badassery on display (see No.7). Love that swishing-attack-trick “he” does with his “branches.” At the time of writing, will wait to reconsider his status once he has – ahem – grown up.
“How you doin’, Chewbacca? Still hanging around with this loser?” – Lando Calrissian.
This beloved walking carpet has stood in the shadow of that smuggler for far too long. It’s about time he got the recognition he deserves. Besides, in the spirit of “Let the Wookie win” and all that, if we rejected his entry to the brigade, he’d just go bat-shit bonkers and probably rip No. 2’s arm out.
More importantly, this crossbow-wielding pensioner from Kazhyyyk has aged surprisingly well, unlike…
The One That Got Away:
…who looks even more like a scruffy-looking nerfherder than ever before.
Of course, by rights, Han Solo should get an automatic call-up – for ol’ times sake – as demanded especially by thousands of fans – I KNOW, OKAY? I SAW THE PETITION… but suppose we had to march into a detention area. What do you think would happen if this Corellian upstart flagrantly disobeyed MY orders in front of the brigade, eh…?
“Quit smiling, you’re supposed to be professional” – Rocket Raccoon.
7. Rocket Raccoon
A considerable faction of the blogosphere know very well my unwavering respect and admiration for this charming, but deadly, character, as you may see here. Judge him by his size, do you?! Ain’t nothing like him, (but he’s in on condition that he does NOT put in a request for No.2’s arm).
Hey, at least he’s not asleep for the danger, awake for the money, like some grunts we could mention…
The One That Got Away: Starlord
Not convinced this Terran thief would be good for morale. Handy in a close-quarters skirmish, expert pilot of the Milano, yes, but he exhibits too much preoccupation with that accursed Walkman.
Plus: we fight as one impenetrable unit, so his measly 12% just wouldn’t cut it…
“I saw your dogchips glowing in the dark…” – Rogue.
8. Rogue Trooper
During the ’80s, from the hallowed pages of 2000AD, came the adventures of Rogue Trooper, the genetically-modified, blue-skinned grunt – the most feared man on Nu-Earth – created by Gerry Finley-Day and Dave Gibbons; the zarjaz art on Cam Kennedy’s tour-of-duty was particularly impressive.
At the very least, Rogue shoulda had his own movie by now – esteemed comics writer Grant Morrison was working on a script as recently as 2011, but that seems to have gotten lost in the notorious development-hell…
The One That Got Away: Strontium Dog.
Already submitted a Post featuring this much-venerated Muto bounty-hunter. See here:
“If I still had legs, I’d kick your ass!” – Ivan Klimatovich.
If this war becomes a living hell, we got one helluva guide to see us through…
Mike Mignola’s unique hellspawned hero: Hellboy was raised from infancy among mortals to fight the assorted minions of darkness, which he did onscreen twice: in 2004 and 2008. Yet another of those whose involvement was deemed unconditional, ‘cos you know, whatever happens, he can promise us two things:
1), he will always look this good; and
2). he will never give up on us. EVER.
And just look. At the size. Of that whammer…
The One That Got Away: Abe Sapien
A good swimmer, but – by no means – a badass.
Anyway, that penchant for bad eggs will NOT be tolerated. The last thing me and the crew need is to be pinned down in a fire-fight… and be stuck with a vomiting raccoon…
“I guess I go in one way or the other… doesn’t mean shit to me. Alright… I’ll do it. Give me the pardon paper” – Snake Plissken.
10. Snake Plissken
Escape from New York (1981) was a bonkers movie, but at least it was one of John Carpenter’s more distinctive efforts. Again, this uncompromising dude has got his own ultra-cool shooter; he rides his own glider; he’s got an eye-patch; his name is “Snake” – what more badassery could you ask for…?
Luckily, the film also features one of Carpenter’s favourite actors: Lee Van Cleef, who brought his own indomitable range of badassery to countless westerns…
The One That Got Away: R J McCready.
Sans eye-patch, but R J McCready was endowed with a more considerable crumb-catcher – in John Carpenter’s The Thing (1982) – as befits a true Arctic warrior…
“Ooh, gurns, gurns, gurns! C’mon, Sal. The Tigers are playing… tonight. I never miss a game” – Clarence J. Boddicker.
11. Robocop (1987)
If you have to fight and survive on the mean(est) streets of dystopian and crime-ridden Detroit, you’ll receive automatic acceptance from us, fella. We would have put you higher up the chart, but those submerged memories sound disconcerting…
Never mind, go get ’em, boy!
The One That Got Away: Robocop (2014)
Totally did NOT want to be subjected to this lame and pointless exercise.
Remake the duds, NOT the classics, please… NEXT!
“Welcome to the 2oth century, Jack Deth!” – Santa Claus.
12. Jack Deth
“Jack Deth is back, and he’s never been here before” ran the classic tagline for this mental Blade Runner rip-off. Deth is the 21st century L.A. cop/bounty hunter charged with travelling back to 1984 to hunt down Whistler – the maniac-criminal who can turn people into zombiefied crazies called “Trancers.”
1984, hell yeah… back then, you see, anyone could make this kinda shit… and make it entertaining. Of course, Deth was “played” by Tim Thomerson, who undoubtedly had printed – and no doubt patented – the T-shirt exclaiming: “Badass For Hire” for his entire career…
The One That Got Away:
“Argh… mediocre!” – Immortan Joe.
For once, we will have to concur with that late, bloated pus-ball…
And that rounds off my Mother of all Lists. Badass here! Badass there! Everywhere a-oh, okey-dokey then, you know the drill. Lock an’ load… then kick some.